Inhaling Pepper

2011-09-06T22:09:00.003+01:00

I'm off for three weeks for work. I have no money, nowhere special really to go to, and so I am blogging. Its been years and years since I have religiously blogged -for want of attention --or just to escape the reality of being completely labeled as ordinary? I don't know. But well, here I am again.

My life has settled to some semblance of normalcy. I have friends who I see at least once every five months. Or some sort. I have concentrated on being the mother of the year. There is not one aspect of my daughter's life that I don't control. Some may argue that she's growing up to be a good little girl albeit a bit spoiled but she's a good little girl. Very clever and precocious. A bit cheeky sometime but who isnt?

I also have conquered (hopefully) the demons that are called h-o-r-m-o-n-e-s. I took agnus castus and my mood swings have calmed down to a reasonable level and my hankering for sweets have also gone down a bit. I'm a bit more positive and happier. Exactly the same kind of person I was when I am not subjected to horrendous hormones-induced insomnia.

2011-09-04T18:33:00.004+01:00

I think its the PMS. But I my emotional walls are crumbling from the onslaught of hormones. I could feign nonchalance..but alas, the vicious diatribe directed against myself is too vicious to fight off. I need a drink. or a couple. or better yet, I'd better go down my off-licence to have my friendly Indian shopkeeper recommend the best Merlot they have.

Seriously.

I'm off work for three weeks. And in that time frame, I'm deliciously indulging myself in the thoughts of "if I have a million pounds --" or better yet to make it more realistic "if I have thirty five thousand pounds--"

Sigh.

Spent the weekend cooking meal after meal and watching warehouse 13. And yes, reading inanely trite but completely engrossing to my prepubescent self --Gemma Burgess. She actually gave a couple of good pubs and bars around London that I might try and recommend to other people to appear "in the know."

I haven't been really blogging for awhile now, but reading books the past couple of days has brought home to me how important it is that I cultivate a hobby (that I may parlay it to a skill worth millions and millions of pounds). Its nice to dream though.

I try to seriously think about writing something bombastic. I read about the works of one of my old college pals, (who writes now for the national newspaper) and I think to myself that it is a bit disheartening that I know I can write beautiful things but I don't.

I have an idea for a book that want to write --but its a bit too personal to actually write it. I can never look at anyone else's face again if it comes to light. I might do a bell de jour and do it anonymously.

Who knows?

On other news, my NMC thing is ticking off nicely --happy times.

Were Ticking Along

2011-09-02T22:30:00.002+01:00

Its a fuck all at the moment. I am so skint I don't even have the things to buy for the lady parts. Its just one of those weeks that after feeling briefly flushed with money, and I have the ruddy complexion of someone who tasted briefly the happiness of being to swipe your card and feel perfectly at ease that somethings there --its all taken away quite rudely. Damn direct debits. Damn bills. Damn life.

Damn it all to fucking hell.

It has been a tough year, after a fucking month of being able to say to myself --now right, I have to take charge of my spiraling debts (fuck you online shopping) --that I managed to actually stay on budget and made a big ritual of cutting plastic--and disaster upon disaster happens and I'm now stuck on the same place where I was the start of the year and more so, in a much dirtier, grimier place. I just wish that I have taken the time to fucking analyze and scrutinize everything that I decide to fucking buy. For fuck's sake. Do I need a back-up to the back up of my fucking conditioner?

and no, I don't really need to drink organic milk or eat free-range eggs. Those fucking chickens all die anyway. My tongue probably wouldn't be able to differentiate between the the flesh of chicken who stayed cooped and chicken who did the freedom run. They all end up fucking dead.

So in the end, it really doesn't matter.

Besides I'm thinking of going vegan anyway.

On positive note, all the big bills are done. And I really don't have anything else to pay off. So if we can live off bread alone (which we can, sorry Jesus), nothing to worry about.

Now I'm just channelling Mother Teresa to survive.

2011

2011-01-23T21:41:00.002Z

I am sitting here in front of the computer and thinking I dont know where to start. This year it is time for honesty to myself and to everyone. So in that context I am trying to write what is really happening and to not care what anyone else thinks. This blog will be for me now again and my reticence in writing what is happening is probably the same as lying to myself. Which is quite stupid.

This year will be the year whether my marriage will fail or not.

and so, starts the saga of my life.

Bring it on 2011.

Photographs

2010-03-12T00:17:00.002Z

Its hard to look at photographs. It makes me sad. Desolate. Bitter. Angry. Wistful. Lonely. (Insert adjective here). I've been doing some spring cleaning. Trying out to find ways to minimize clutter in our little flat when I happened to chance upon photos. From my previous life. I don't know how to describe it. I think I'd rather cry than actually feel hollow. Its hard to be a grown up in a country where you dont have any history.
I'm a baby here with fully grown ideas and opinions shaped somewhere unrelated to my life here. Bleh.
Hollow.
I just take it one day at a time, so I can still tilt at windwills, smell the rain and feel the grass under my feet or in this case the little soil that I bought from lidl and put on a cardboard box stashed somewhere and brought out whenever I feel the urge to feel earthy.
Bleh.
The photos I looked at yesterday were those of my family. I suddenly felt this gut wrenching homesickness (which happens every once in awhile) and got on to skype to call my sister (ended up talking to the whole lot which was a good thing).
Became even more depressed after so Cori and I ended up sleeping the late afternoon away.
Woke up and felt even more awful. Horrible Cold.
Never a good idea to look at photographs.

Depression

2010-02-04T17:14:00.002Z

I'm depressed. Really depressed. Or might be if my inappropriately timed humor wouldnt poke its head out everytime I contemplate calling my GP to beg for xanax.
Even when I was typing the word depression --the word inflation comes to mind. and a vision of myself being inflated and deflated made one half of my mouth turns up to smile.

However there were two very good news that lifted the cloud of doom and gloom from my chest.
First was getting a text from someone who makes my life a little bit easier to swallow and another was news from ate who made me really happy.

Due to privacy reasons of the concerned bearers of good news, I wouldnt be posting those news. I looked at the visitors to my deadblog and seem to be attracting an occasional visitor or two, so whoever you are whose still reading my blog. Keep on reading. Its nice to vent to someone who I dont know at all and wouldnt meet but someone knows I exist.

Thank you.

MY FIRST EVER GIFT FROM CORI..MADE BY HER..WRAPPED BY HER

2010-02-02T18:00:00.002Z

Checklist

2010-02-02T17:47:00.002Z

1. Lose weight. On the process but failing.
2. Learn how to knit. I can knit scarves now.
3. Take the IELTS. On the process, difficult to study. Set the date on the 20th of this month.

(This is for the early part of the year, hope to finish this all by June)

4. Sort out the ONP.
5. Learn how to drive..the English way. (lol)
6. Make good cakes. (Not puffed out weird looking things).

(Until December)

7. Go home this December.

Nice to work towards a goal. Feel like life has meaning again. Makes me less depressed.

Movie Marathon

2009-12-20T00:52:00.001Z

Writing from my phone. Please bear the brevity of this post.
1. Where the wild things are. Cant decide. Its boring but will keep you watching just to find whats going to happen next. Some scenes are thought provoking especially if you are a parent.
2. The blind side. For the masses. Feel good movie. I loved it! Think of Coach Carter and Remember the Titans. Another black-boy-overcomes-the-odds with a twist. In this case a white Southern rich family was the one responsible in helping him. Good movie. If Brendan wasnt with me, i'd be bawling. Dour bugger.
Almost one now. Off to bed.x

21st Century

2009-12-15T20:30:00.002Z

Young Guy1: Professional Thieves are operating in this area
Young Guy2: Seriously mate, how do they become professionals? Do they go to uni or something?

*overheard by me at London Bridge Underground Station*

LittleBoy to Mummy: Did Santa went to school so he can learn how to make microchips? Cause he only knew how to make wooden toys, not Nintendo Wii.
Mummy: (pulls his hand) Lets go ask Daddy that.

*overheard by me at Curry's

Young Guy1: Look Mate, I'm starting to get to like her. I dont even mind the commute. I want to go out with her and talk. But all she wants from me is sex.
Young Guy2: ..and what is your problem?

*overheard by me at Elephant and Castle station

A thought

2009-12-15T20:15:00.002Z

I sat down and thought of the things I wanted to write about. Its not a case of writer's block that I havent really been writing. Its so many things that are happening that I cannot really begin to sift through the myriad of changes that are happening. Let alone reflect on them.

I promised myself though that I'd write this.

I was thinking about how the past hold so much appeal for me and I begin to wonder why.
It all comes down to just one thing doesnt it? I was in the realm of youth and that space where endless possibilities are in abundancy. The thrill of maybe and what if's are so much more palatable than the grinding existence of living the reality.

I found myself now in a situation where I have to confine myself in reality. The trade off of being a grown up is that the fantasies are no longer a daily commodity. But rather a thing of the past.

Best to work on what is in front of me now, rather than wait for something to make it all magically better.

xoxo

merry christmas.

New hobby: photography

2009-08-02T16:27:00.005+01:00

I bought a canon camera a week ago and I have been learning how to use it. So far so good. Here are some of my attempts. It takes me forever just to get a shot because i have to figure out the shutter speed, the aperture and all those kind of things. But its fun, I'm really enjoying myself. These are all unedited, so its still a bit raw. But what the heck, give some leeway for the beginners.

My favorite subject. My daughter. She was picking off a sticker from a shoe. Utmost concentration on her face.

Cori's feet in black and white. Her turn-ups are so high, it should be made illegal thats why I changed her outfit to shorts when we went out for lunch.

My daughter at KFC. This is just a captured "quiet moment" because she went to hyper overdrive when I finished this shot.

A brownie we had for breakfast. I am such a bad mum.

Purell alcohol cleanser. This is provided to all the staff in the hospital where I work.

This one here is Cori's pink sunshades. She calls them her glasses. Cori is the one at the background. Thought to include the owner of my subject.

This a redwine bottle we drank last night. Burra Brook Merlot from Marks and Spencers. Pretty nice. Goes well with lasagne.

Cori was playing with this yesterday and as usual ended up in the floor. This is a swarovski heart pendant that Brendan got me on a trip to South Africa.

This is what remained of Cori's childgate. We dont need it anymore cos she can climb over it. But I thought the three blue circles make quite an interesting geometrical picture.

My first ever attempt. A close up of the keyboard keys. I rather like it.

Playing the Sartorialist

2009-07-19T12:59:00.002+01:00

I cannot decide whether I like this or not. Got to admit that she's eye-catching. Mint Green and gray and this weird t-shirt and hair bow.

I took this while waiting for a train to wimbledon at Earl's Court Station.

I dont have swine flu

2009-07-17T19:48:00.003+01:00

I ~~was~~ am sick today. My wisdom teeth are growing and gave me a pounding headache and fever. Its not swine flu. I think my immune system is a strong fortress with a moat as deep as the mariana trench and white blood cells as great in battle as Conan the Barbarian. But something as mundane as teeth growing makes me defenceless as Sponge Bob.

I was waiting the whole week for someone to come and fix the oven. It hasnt been turning on a couple of months now but I was too afraid to report it to the estate agent because I thought we were going to get charged. It wasnt until I was talking to a student nurse (Sophie) that she said its up to the landlord to make sure everything is up and running at the rental property. I called the estate agents on monday and reported the issues that need fixing in the flat. The boiler. The oven. The toilet and the radiator. Monday afternoon, they came and fixed the leak but aside from promising to come back the next day, no one came. So its friday now and no one has come and fixed the damn thing.

The oven needs to be fixed. Its vital in the health plan. Hahaha.

At the moment, Cori is really cranky. I noticed that there's a blister on her thumb. Or rather you know when a blister has popped and if you take out the skin, all is left is raw skin? Thats what she has and she kept bringing it to me and crying. Aw. Poor thing. I dont know how she got it though.

Tomorrow, there's suppose to be a barrio fiesta in Hounslow. But the forecast is rain. I dont want to take Cori out especially since just in a week, the swine flu is now in epidemic proportions. She doesnt have Conan the barbarian white blood cells. She takes after her father in a way, having Spongebob Squarepants defending her little body.

On pause. I think I should probably give her a shower now.

Back!

2009-07-16T11:12:00.000+01:00

I’ve been thinking about lately how my life seems to be spinning out of control. It’s amazing when you’re not conscious of your actions (metaphorically speaking) things creep up you. The past two months, I haven’t kept my eye on the ball and it all just started going downhill.
My spending. I looked at my bank statements for the couple of months and I realized that I have areas wherein if I would have reigned myself back in, I would have had enough money to go back home for a holiday instead of spending my precious annual leave sitting out here in London and spending even more money on inconsequential things. Or I could have saved in our nest egg. So we can buy our house.

My weight. Logically, I should have had lost weight. My work involves so much manual labour that sometimes I feel like I’m there not as a professional but rather as a cleaner. Heck, the cleaner has the job much easier than mine! They do not have to deal with swine flu, IVDU’s, HIV patients who spit at you, whiny people...and the list goes on. At the start of every workday, I have to deal with getting Cori and Myself up and ready. It stresses me out. But since Brendan has taken over that part, all I am left with is just getting her settled in the nursery. And that is why even before workday has started, I’m stressed out. But I got to admit that this really has gotten much easier as with most things. And inevitably, I start eating. I don’t watch what I eat. It’s really different here because both the quality of the food (yummy) and the quantity of the portions are so huge that what I normally eat for lunch would be enough to feed 3 people back in the Philippines. It’s not because I eat junk. I honestly haven’t eaten more than 5 bars of chocolates in the past 2 months. It’s the amount I eat and I don’t drink enough water.

So the weight just piled on.

Yesterday when I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t believe what I saw. I cried! Brendan came home around 9 pm and by that time I have composed myself. It would have been so silly to cry over something like that. Anyway, I knew that he knew I was upset and being the proactive person that he was, sat out and started making this health plan for the both of us.

We are so damn fat. There’s no denying it. Our night has been a discussion of health food planning and so have a set plan for the next six weeks. I hope we can stick on to it because last year, August I think it was, we actually followed the whole plan. We saved money, felt healthy and happy because we weren’t so tired all the time. In that month, Brendan was almost back to his pre-marriage weight. He was walking and I was doing my taebo and calorie counting as well. But then September happened. It got too cold for Brendan to walk after work. And I was depressed because I couldn’t find a job. And turned to food to feel better. I think in every household it is important that you and your partner motivate each other because it is the food habits that either make or break you. It’s so hard when you’re trying to be healthy and there’s your significant other stuffing his face with chocolate tarts drowning in double cream. It makes a difference when you really want to stuff your face with goodies and your partner would put on this self-righteous face after you offered him the said goodies and tell you in this most offhand manner. “No, thank you, I’m alright.” It became a competition for me last time and lost a massive amount of weight.

Back to the plan. We are going to calorie count and do exercise. Following a set plan of meals for the next weeks or so. I hope we won’t fell off the wagon again. We need to train our filthy eating habits.

The catalyst really for me was Sunday night. I was supposed to work the night shift. But when I got there, there was a mix up and they’ve booked a bank. So I said, I’m going home. But as I was leaving, Kuya Kim said to come with them to the pub to have a drink and de-stress. Seeing that I haven’t gone with any of my colleagues before, I went. Austin, Chester and Kim. All guys but all married and nice. Malene, Kuya Kim’s wife was suppose to join us but decided to sleep instead because she was working that night.

We got talking and we happen to talk about Glysa. Another 20 something Filipina nurse. She is very pretty. But got myasthenia gravis and went home. She came back here and she was so fat. It was such a shame. It was because she was taking steroids. Kuya Kim said how he was so surprised when he saw her. He almost didn’t recognize her. And then the magic words. He turned to me and said, “No offense Kristina ha, pero akala ko nga ikaw!”

Uh-uh.

Nothing more can be said about that.

So back to the plan.

Catalysts

2009-03-30T16:03:00.002+01:00

I havent been blogging for a long time now. Its hard to blog when every 10 seconds you get interrupted by a loud cry or whinging. I hate whinging. It saps what little energy I have left.

I thought that I might just post a little to kick start the habbit of writing again. The catalysts were several things,namely:
1. Every day at work there's a lot of material that I want to write, in a diary or in some other form of record. I've noticed the changes thats happening to me and its sad in a way that I cant keep track of these things.
2. Ala Paredes. What this girl writes really echoes all the things that I'm feeling. of leaving home, of settling in a new place. I understand her perfectly. Before I didnt like what she writes, but the more I read, the more I become emphatetic towards her. Its completely perplexing, afterall what does she and I have in common back in the Philippines? But her journey and mine in a sense is similar. She called it "leaving her childhood" behind. What gripped me was I've also come to that realization when I was suffering intense moments of loneliness.

More on that later. Right now I need to finish all the other chores just napping at my heels.

Sad today, I didnt take Cori to the park. Maybe there's still time. Gotta run.

lately...

2008-11-15T22:18:00.003Z

I am feeling romatic.
wistful.
brave.

and cherished.

Life is wonderful.

The Medicine Dispenser

2008-11-15T21:38:00.004Z

Cori had this cough the past couple of days weeks of coughs and colds. The first few days a two weeks ago, it was just sniffles, then the sniffles morphed into Mr. Cold Monster. It made my Cori threw up!

It has also been compounded by the fact that she wont drink any medicine. Brendan and I had this routine mapped out during the night, I hold her down and he slip the medicine spoon in. It worked pretty well, but we had to do it four times each time because she kept spitting the medicine out.

I was browsing the mothercare catalog a couple of weeks ago and this item caught my eye. Since my daughter's idol is maggie from the The Simpsons (you know the kid who always sucks a dummy?) Thats my cori. I thought this would be really handy because i could just slip the medicine in the cup thing and she would just suck it in.

So off we go. We first went to Tooting. I thought the mothercare store there was still open. I strolled up and down the main street, seriously bewildered when I couldnt find it. I approached this nice looking Indian family and they told me that it was close, and that the nearest mothercare store is in Southside in wandsworth. I thought about going back home and going instead to Brixton since I'm not really comfortable going somewhere where I'm not quite sure of. But thinking the 40 minute bus ride to brixton and the 20 minute ride going there to this center called Southside, I went there instead. So took the 44 bus and cori was behaving herself, but I'm really tired of travelling cos I feel like I'm always waiting for her to cry.

Anyway, I found it.

Went back home. took quite a long time.

She liked it well enough, but when I filled it with medicine.

She turned up her nose.

and didnt want it anymore.

Geez.

All that trouble for nothing!

Here We Go Again

2008-10-10T02:46:00.003+01:00

I noticed. I only blog when I am feeling:

1. Sad
2. Angry

Just those two things. I know for a fact that the only things that drives me to write is when I experience strong emotions. And given that fact, the happiness I feel sometimes is not the same as those two feelings.

How sad. How utterly, keeningly, wailingly, teeth-gnashingly..sad.

Its almost three in the morning. I couldnt go to sleep. If you miss intimacy with someone and I am not referring to the physical side of things (although I thought it was but apparently not), what would you do to gain that intimacy back?

Maybe its my fault. But I think its not. Its no one's fault and that makes it the more harder to bear because I am even deprived of someone to blame.

I hope things would be different when I get a job. I thought once when I am busy I wouldnt mind so much. But well, I know I am just lying to myself when I think about hiding that something intrinsic under the guise of a busy life. I wonder how many couples often do that?

My life in a nutshell.

My ray of sunshine is my little girl.

Prayer Warriors Needed

2008-09-26T13:29:00.002+01:00

For some strange reason, England's skies have been filled with glorious sunshine. I like this kind of weather, its still cold but no dreary skies. Lifts my spirits up.

For the past week, I've been down in a slump. I have been waiting from some of the jobs that I have applied to. And deep in my heart, I was hoping that I would have a job in an academic institution. But I really hadnt tried to apply for these kind of posts simply because I thought I wouldnt have a million chance in hell securing even an interview.

I was wrong.

God is so good. I was finishing my breakfast with maton (she was devouring hers) and the phone rang. I thought to myself, "damn it, BT is calling again.@ (For the past several days, I always get a call from BT offering me a credit card or something). So imagine my surprise, when I heard a man ask me, "Kristina?....blah...blah..."

It was a man from a school in central london saying he saw my CV online and fits what they are looking for. I rescheduled to talk because Cori was on brink of crying and the washing machine was doing its thing. And so noisy!

So he called again at 10 and we had a proper chat.

Sent me an email later saying that I did really well in the telephone interview and he'll contact me again for a possible face-to-face interview on monday.

I will be hearing from him (I hope). Its at this time, that I normally would be pretty happy but from the experiences last time, I wouldnt be until I actually have an offer.

So i dont want to jump the gun so to speak.

But I'm really hoping. Pray for me prayer warriors!

Thank you God.

I'm Sending You Smoke Signals

2008-09-20T08:56:00.003+01:00

I am so fucking angry.

I really am.

The anger just wells deep from somewhere and I just could not for the life of me stem the flow.
I'm being melodramatic. But I havent had proper rest for the past week. I kept waking up cause the baby keeps waking up.

and she's so active, it literally drains away whatever little energy I have left.

And to top it all off, I'm not finding a SUITABLE job for me. I keep getting calls from recruiters for jobs in north fucking london. It would take me 4 hours of commute each day! Shit. While those jobs that I would like around here are great. But there's loads of competition.

Fuck it. I really need a job, a rest and someone to look after Cori (i love her, I really do), I want someone to take care of her for the time it takes her to grow into someone who can tie her own shoelaces and make her own food.

Thats not too much to ask... is it??

I've been robbed

2008-09-13T09:54:00.002+01:00

A couple of weeks ago, after Cori has finished with her sickness bout. I decided to take her out for a walk. It was friday, and it was brie and wine night. I hadnt gone out the previous day so there wasnt any to be had and I really needed to get out.

I just took my purse, which contained my newly cut kiss, my phone, some money and my library card.

I got some shopping done. And when we reached Iceland, I stopped outside to fix Cori's bugg since she was crying and hollering and being basically a baby.

A guy bumped into me and one guy came from behind and grabbed my purse.

I've been robbed.

I was in shock, I couldnt believe it! It was in broad daylight. People shouldnt be doing this especially to young moms!

I didnt know what to do. I couldnt get inside the house since my keys were in the purse. Its a good thing I was friends with the laundry lady, so I went there. And she and her friend called the police to come over and take my statement.

Three weeks later, I am still quite scared to pass that way.

Getting My Head Out of the Sand

2008-09-13T09:47:00.002+01:00

I was pretty pissed off at myself the past couple of days. Recriminations probably are senseless since it is not productive, but damn it, I really am pissed off at myself.

I called up several recruiters to find out why I am not being shortlisted for jobs. To my dismay, when I opened my email yesterday, there were several emails from various recruiters saying I wasn't considered for the position.

I felt outraged, the things I applied for, I can probably do it with "one-tenth of my brain power." I know I sound arrogant but its true! So I called them up to ask. And what do you know, what they said actually makes sense.

In the supporting information of various application forms, they said I should have probably detailed actual life experiences that would give substance to the criteria they were looking for. They said it was unfair of me that I assumed they would know I would be suitable since I had this classification, but even though I had those things, they wouldnt really know because I hadnt answered the person specification.

I was feeling put out before because I thought this might be discrimination! But alas, its all my fault. They are all for equal opportunities and all that shit. But then again, I might be over qualified as what has happened in UCL.

Now the problem is, finding the trick that hits the balance.
And I hope I get that problem right.

no job yet

2008-08-24T10:11:00.001+01:00

ucl told me i was unsuccessful.
sigh. you win some you lose some.

Rachel Hylton and Amy Winehouse

2008-08-23T17:30:00.004+01:00

I love this woman from the x-factor. Rachel, at 14 got pregnant. By now, she's 26 had 5 kids, was into drugs, got into prison, but is now trying to change.
Her voice is absolutely amazing!

You Know I'm No Good lyrics

Meet you downstairs in the bar and hurt
Your rolled up sleeves and your skull t-shirt
You say what did you do it with him today?
And sniffed me out like I was Tanqueray

Cause you're my fella, my guy
Hand me your stella and fly
By the time I'm out the door
You tear men down like Roger Moore

I cheated myself
Like I knew I would
I told ya, I was trouble
You know that I'm no good

Upstairs in bed, with my ex boy,
He's in a place, but I cant get joy,
Thinking of you in the final throes, this is when my buzzer goes

Run out to meet you, chips and pitta
You say when we're married cause you're not bitter
There'll be none of him no more
I cried for you on the kitchen floor

I cheated myself
Like I knew I would
I told ya, I was trouble
You know that I'm no good

Sweet reunion, jamaica and spain
We're like how we were again
I'm in the tub, you're on the seat
Lick your lips as I soak my feet

Then you notice lickle carpet burn
My stomach drops and my guts churn
You shrug and it's the worst
Who truly stuck the knife in first

I cheated myself like I knew I would
I told ya I was trouble, you know that I'm no good
I cheated myself, like I knew I would
I told ya I was trouble, yeah ya know that I'm no good

Look at her video and compare it to amy winehouse singing live the same song. No good.

What do you think? I really hope she wins!

UCL Job Interview

2008-08-18T14:15:00.001+01:00

I hope I got in.
My interview was last friday. It felt almost like I was in a factory. It somehow felt surreal.
Please Please Please.

Give me a job.

Good News

2008-08-04T15:29:00.001+01:00

I know I posted a couple here already. Where did it all go?

Two great news that perked me up a bit:

1. Finally I got a job interview.
2. I passed the Nursing Licensure Exams. Im officially an RN. Yay.

Waiting Really is the Hardest Part

2008-07-23T12:30:00.002+01:00

What now. I repeat. This is suppose to be where I hit the ground running. I cannot find a job. Well there are available ones but I feel like I'm shortchanged if i take them. But at this point, I really don't have a choice do I? It would be so good so earn my own dough.

And also I am getting bored. Not that I don't love my daughter to bits. Hell I do, but there's a limit on how much a mother can play "Where's the hand Cori? Where's the hand?" Three hundred billion times is enough for me.

I've gained back the all the weight that I've lost in the Philippines, and its no mean feat mind you. I reckon once I get a job I'd be too busy and then I'd forget about food. And before anyone get sanctimonious on me, battling boredom with food is really quite easy.

I had an email telling me that I've been shortlisted for a job in a nursing home. Sort of like a care coordinator. I would like to have that one. But my insecurities are playing up all over again. Its a whole different playing field here. But I told myself nothing ventured, nothing gained. So I'm looking forward to it.

I'm still waiting to hear from the other trillion jobs I've applied to. SURELY, some of them would pan out. I hope. I wish. Oh dear God, you wouldnt be so cruel would you? would you? Lord!?

GET ME A JOB FAST

2008-07-17T20:18:00.000+01:00

I need money.

Meg Ryan

2008-07-11T17:38:00.002+01:00

Face Lift.
Meg Ryan.
Horribly Obvious in My Mom's New Boyfriend.
So sad.

The Pastor's Ass

2008-07-11T10:44:00.002+01:00

I really have to thank my good friend Lala for sending me this one. It made me laugh so hard.

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again.. and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next the headline read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is:
Being concerned about public/others opinion can bring you much grief and misery.. even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have yourself a really nice day!

I'm Shocked

2008-07-10T20:43:00.002+01:00

Okay now I'm shocked. Karl Lagerfield said that an average rich woman buys clothes from worth £3,000,000.00 pounds in 15 minutes. An average dress excluding shoes, arm candies and etc. costs 15,000-25,000. An average 15-minute fashion show takes 2,000 people to work on it.

I still cant believe it. £3,000,000.00. POUNDS. in 15 minutes.

I'll start saving now. Really. Who needs a house anyway. Cori doesn't need educating. :-)

I Almost Forgot

2008-07-09T13:46:00.004+01:00

I was browsing through the internet and was curious to see when the exams result will be out. I happen to come across rife with rumors saying that the BON's target date is on July 20.

I suddenly got the chills.

I felt f-e-a-r.

Fuck it. That exam was really horrible. They were discussing the results and I become anxious when I cannot even remember my answers to the questions. And I made a boo-boo. I hope it doesnt affect the result because when shading my number, I shaded the wrong boxes!

That exam was really bad. The previous night, I learned that my uniforms dont fit me anymore, I broke my glasses, and I was out of money. In short, I was so fried that if you put an egg to my head, you'll have a sunny side up.

The first day, there were three exams. NP1, NP2, NP3. I almost pissed myself when I finished the first test. It was that hard. At the review center, I was known for briskly finishing exams and then going out 30 minutes ahead of most of the people there and then having my name finish in the top 5 or 10.

My rationale was --if you dont know the answer then you dont. Eliminate the obvious wrong choices, pick out one. When you've done that, you have 50 percent chance of getting the correct answer right. Which worked well up to a certain point.

On the day of the exam, my blithe confidence deserted me for Rambo.

I struggled so much, I thought my head was going to burst. It also didnt help that I couldnt see a damn thing! My eyes were straining reading all these questions. I had the paper 3cm away from my face. The proctor probably thought I was feeding wrong answer to the girl two seats behind me.

The second day was okay. The psych test was really good! I finished in under twenty five minutes.I was familiar with most of the questions and I was quite confident in answering the questions, but Np4 was another matter.

Who the fuck puts obscure management questions concerning budgeting and expenses in a nursing exam? I am not an accounting graduate, and I am horrible with money (other people's --my own its another matter). I am just so damn pissed at it.

I have buried my head in the sand and pretended that I havent taken it, but reading those internet rumors about the result coming out made me feel so damn anxious again. I feel like if I take a crap, my large intestines would come out along with my lungs, kidneys, heart and various other organs.

My hands are so clammy and so icy.

Oh God. Breathe Kris, Breathe..

They are so damn right. Waiting is the hardest part.

Miss ko Si Paige..

2008-07-07T20:07:00.001+01:00

Miss ko nang maray si Paige..

What I Did in the Philippines

2008-07-02T17:51:00.002+01:00

1. Went Swimming. A lot.
2. Went wakeboarding! I only fell once. Yeah!
3. Dieted and lost some weight.
4. Attended Nursing Review quite religiously. Monday to Sunday! 8 am to 5pm. If I dont pass, I'd bomb the shit out of them.
5. Bonding with Friends. Not all the time though.
6. Had Cori baptized.

Pictures following soon.

Latest News

2008-04-20T15:18:00.000+01:00

I won 500 pesos.

Cori has 3 more teeth growing.

I lost another kilo.

More details.

The 500 pesos. The review center I am attending is giving out cash prizes if you top their exams. Which I did. Not bad for someone whose mind for the past year was filled with nappies, milk formula and chocolates.

Cori has lost weight but gained length. More whingy than usual especially when I am around. Learned new tricks and has more teeth.

I lost another kilo from not eating chocolates. I am in withdrawal.

I love being back home.

That’s about it. Now for more Britney spears news.

Here Na sa Pinas

2008-04-16T14:44:00.002+01:00

The flight home was good and terrible at the same time. Malaysian Airlines is a very good airline if you are traveling alone with a baby. 5 stars! Cori behaved pretty well on the flight, she cried only a bit but for the rest of the time she was a very nice passenger. If ever she started whinging, I just gave her a biscuit and she was fine.

But I didnt get any sleep at all. I thought she would fall out of the bassinet that they provided for her. It looked like a suitcase as B said. It could hold up to 15 kilos but it was pretty short for Cori, so in the end, her feet dangled out of the thing.

I feel like the year in London never happened at all. I'm going to review school, eating at my parent's table again and generally having the same routine before I left except I have Cori now to add to the load. In short, I'm still very tired.

Strange isnt it?

Back to the Philippines Tomorrow!

2008-04-02T10:01:00.004+01:00

Going back home tomorrow!
Sad and happy at the same time. I'm not looking forward to being apart from the Big Bub for almost 3 months. The other day, I was just looking at him while he was still sleeping and I started crying!

But pretty soon I'll be home. I'l be bringing Cori's bumbo seat. I cannot live without that thing. No matter what they say about Cori having a yaya, I still wouldnt want to impose her bulk on anyone! Hefty girl, my baby.:-)

Sunshine soon.

See you guys! muah!

Update: I am not bringing clothes anymore. Just underwear. The rest is pasalubog. Nah, just kidding. I have trouble packing!

The Best Love Letter I've Ever Received

2008-04-02T09:48:00.003+01:00

I was reading over my sister's blog, The Life of an Oregano Addict and she was talking about love letters. I started to think about the best love letter I've ever received. I was reminded about the thing that Sean Connery said in Finding Forrester. He said that the best gift and I think this applies even to love letters, is the unexpected.

I never got this best love letter. I stumbled upon it. My then ex and I had this huge fight about something, and we havent talked for a couple of days and when I inevitably did what all mad girlfriends do (spy on what he's up to). I looked at his blog..and what do you know I found this!

Here is the exact thing..except I'm edited the name and other private stuff.

He's really inept with English, but he can roll out some one liners with the best of them. We broke up because we just drifted apart I guess. He moved geographically and I was left back home. (He was one of those who counted).:-)

Gaano kahalaga ang girlfriend ko?
Malimit mo masabi sa mga taong mahal
mo kung gaano sila kahalaga sayo. Mahal? tsong naman. di na yata uso yun. Yung
Kapatid kong babae, namumula sabihan mo lang nun. Ano ba? Bat ba importante yun?
Di ka naman kasi dapat mag-assume na alam ng mga tao na mahal mo na mahal mo
sila. kum baga, non-sequitor yun. It does not follow. Kung alam mo na mahal mo
sila, maski di mo sabihin, dapat alam na nila. Kung possible yun, lahat na mga
tao mind-readers na. Astig, wala nang suicide. Wala nang break-ups nang mga
lovers. Kasi you can now bridges of communication across your difficulties sa
kasiguruhan ng pagmamahal. Naks.
Di ako pala-salita. Lagi nga akong
pinagagalitan ng ma kabarkada, kamag-anak, ultimo girlfriend ko muhing-muhi na
sa di ko pagsalita. Inborn yun mga tsong. Di ko ginusto. Di ba kayo napapagod
magsalita? Kung iisipin, kung magsalita ka sa bagay ng walang kabuluhan di ba
isa kang mang-mang. Walang kwenta, pinag-aaksayahan mo ng oras. o kung wala
naman talaga sa puso mo ang sinasabi mo, wala rin kwenta. At ang problema
'eto..di na nga ako mahilig "mag-bare ng feelings ko" yucks! hindi pa ako
palasalita.
Etong dilemma ko. Hindi ako mahilig magsabi ng "payaba taka"
paano na ba yun? Di ba makikita na rin lang yan sa gawa? Eto, para sayo 'to.
Bruha kong girlfriend, basahin mo.
Kasaksakan ng pangit ang mukha mo pag
hindi mo nakukuha ang gusto mo. Madaldal kang masyado, di ko na naririnig ang
sarili kong mag-isip pag nagsimula kana. Ang mga kwento mo naman paulit-ulit at
nakakalito. Mahilig kang maggimik at ang mga crush mo pwede nang makabuo ng
sariling eskwelahan, pati 5 years old na bata pinapatulan mo pa. Ang kulit mo.
Di mo ako tinatantanan hanggang di mo nakukuha ang gusto mo. Hindi ko alam kung
ano ba tlaga..OO o HINDI. One false move, deyado kagad ako. lagi na lang ako,
Puro na lang ako. Di ba sa relationship at least meh kasalanan ka rin? Hindi pa
nga tayo kasal, alam mo na kagad ang susuotin mo sa kasal ng huling apo mo
huling anak natin. Lagi mo nalang akong kinukurot. Saka ang kuripot mo. Hindi ka
rin sweet.
At dahil dito mahal kita. napatunayan ko na totoo ka at ipinakita
mo sakin kung sino kaman bhuha ka.
Dapat alam mo yun. ikaw ang una kong
iniisip tuwing umaga at huli ring iniisip ko pag-gabi.
Marami ka ring test sa
akin na okay lang gawin..alam ko na yun.
Maski masakit ang kurot mo, okay
lang parati, ayaw ko kasing dumating ang araw na hindi na kita mahahawakan.Maski
kinuha mo lahat na simcards ko at winala yun lahat o hindi nakabalik. Okay lang
yun parati na lang okay. Tanggap ko na yang ugali mong yan. wala akong magagawa
ganyan ko kamahal ang pinakamamahal kong loka-loka kong girlfriend. Makukulong
ka rin sa nalalapit na panahon habang sinasabi mo sa mga pulis na hindi mo
pinatay ang mga anak natin, na “misplace” mo lang sila.Di ko rin masabi kung
gaano ko in-appreciate ang pag-alaga mo saken tuwing may sakit ako.Lam mo ang
pagkadaldal mo? Nawawala ang pagod ko..lagi mo kasi kong pinapatawa. kahit
walang kwenta!Yung mga sobrang messages na lima-lima sa isang send? At
pagdudugtungin ko pa kasi putol-putol? Labs ko rin yung ganun.Pagpinapakain mo
ako na wala na sa panahon dahil gusto mo lang talaga akong tumaba? Ay
nakow..Pag-umiiyak ka sa sobrang takot tuwing sisine tayo ng horror movies?Maski
ayaw mo nang gawin mga project ko? Pero ginagawa mo?Alam ko bulag ka…pero sa
malayo alam mo na kagad na ako yung nagtatago sa ilalim ng mga puno para di mo
ko Makita.At pagtumitingin ka ng malalim saken..alam kong alam mo na mahal
kita.Para sa’yo hon. Payaba taka.

When asked...

2008-03-28T22:40:00.001Z

about David's beckham massive poster in his underwear..
Victoria Beckham answered that:

She liked seeing David's 25-foot cock.

Hahaha.

Oh boy.

This is the Life!

2008-03-28T22:00:00.003Z

Pride and prejudice...

French brie

and a glass of chardonnay!

I like them both. The taste (for me) goes well together. I really didnt drink wine before, but I learned to like it now. I would never have considered drinking by myself..but with Cori being rather difficult the whole day when I am half dead from lack of sleep (waiting up for my sister's bar exam results), things got rather hectic today.

Ate, I'm having an advance celebration. Whether you pass or not, you're still the most argumentative, stubborn woman I've ever met. Abogadong abogado. :-)

So now..I'm relaxing with my mate Jane Austen with brie and chardonnay.

Yay!

My Day and Cori's

2008-03-27T19:02:00.003Z

Went out today with Cori. The sun was shining, in short the weather was very good. It still has that bit of bite in it, but I loved it. Except for this hacking cough, everything else is great. I have this awful cough for the past two weeks now. I resolved that I should probably take antibiotics.

Enough about that, I'm still rambling.

As I've mentioned, I went for a walk with the sleeping Cori. She really loves the cold. Who wouldnt? When youre all bundled up, snug and cosy in your winter suit and being pushed around. I would really want that life.

We saw the china man. B thought that this guy was fictitious. China man looks like a middle twenties china man. He always wears the same tan overcoat and a postman looking black bag wherein he stores his pirated discs.

Pirated movies here are quite good quality compared to the knock offs that you can buy in the Philippines. Except for the shoddier outside packaging, its quite alright quality-wise. Being parents, you seldom get to go the movies. One time we went to see the movie "The Golden Compass," but halfway through, Cori started wailing and we ended up pacing the movie theatre carrying her. B was so pissed. So China Man is very attractive to us, we get to see the new releases and watch them in our own home.

But alas, China Man was opposite the street and I couldnt quite reach enough to ask for his phone number.

We passed by the man selling prepaid credit cards. If these things sell in the Philippines, it would be really great. And the guy selling them waved frantically at me. I thought I might have dropped a parcel or something. So I stopped near his station. And he started giving me his spiel while I was still looking for the stuff that I thought I dropped all the whle ignoring him. Apparently my disinterest was so obvious that he changed tactic and started being more friendly and quite personal.

He asked, "So which part of China are you from?"

I smiled and shaked my head. "No, I'm not from China."

He said again, "Nepal must be good this time of the year."

"Huh!?"

Then he went on his talk again.

He went around his little desk to get a card, and I took it as my opportunity to slip away. I wasnt rude or anything, I gave him a smile and walked away.

One really good thing happened today at the Adam Kids store. I bought Cori a really cute outfit that costs only two pounds. It was 14 pounds but everytime the machine reads the tag, it only shows two pounds. In the end, the staff has to take the whole line down and give the outfit to me at two pounds. Yay.

Next week, I'd be in the Philippines. Yay!

High Heels

2008-03-25T10:54:00.003Z

I was looking around on some how to videos. Google is the best home study program in the world. You can find all things if you look hard enough.

I was just thinking about how I couldnt walk on high heels anymore. Pregnancy and the impracticality of walking about in high heels carrying a baby is really silly isnt it? Anyway, I was walking along the high street and saw some women with toddlers and baby in tow strutting their stuff in these really gorgeous shoes.

I was drooling. Not over the women but the shoes.

I thought to myself it is about time that I put my feet back to the glamour world.

So when I got back to the flat. I put Cori in her little pot (Bumbo seats are the best!) and took out some old pairs of high heeled shoes and started walking.

I wobbled. I wobbled and wobbled some more. Cori looked pained watching me.

So I went to the computer for some tips and look what I found!

Man, it was only a couple of years ago (2 years) that I could make a run for it in 4 inches heels and now I couldnt even manage 5 meters. *sigh*

Snow

2008-03-24T17:08:00.002Z

I am really pissed off with blogger over the past couple of days that's why I wasnt blogging at all. I had directly written posts here not on word, and then when published it. It doesnt get published, the result is "error" or something like that and my whole post got busted.

You know, when you're on a roll and your fingers just keep typing and typing. The zone wherein your brain is actually connected to your fingertips, the keyboard just keeps clackety clackety clack. And you dont even have that one moment of silence wherein you squeeze your neurons but all you get is a squeak. Eek. So sad.

I cannot believe it. But next week, I'd be in the Philippines!!!! Back home. Sunshine. Sunshine.

Earlier this morning, there was a flurry of snow. It is just so weird isnt it? During the morning, its snowing and in the afternoon you get this mild sunshine. Its pretty funny in the context of what Jamie Oliver said, that for him easter marks the end of winter. Whaddya know. Snow. In Easter.

It was very picturesque last sunday night. I went to church and when I went out, there was this snowflakes falling down. I stuck out my tongue to catch some. In the movies, you do that right? But all I got was zilch. But I still went for a walk. It was quite surreal. I never in my whole life, imagine walking in the freezing cold. But I did.

When I got back, my fingers and face must have been candidate for amputation. Not that my face is worth anything much. better to cut it out. But it was freezing! Enjoyed it though.

Things That Made Me Smile Today

2008-03-17T22:19:00.003Z

Today, I found a pair of jeans that doesnt make me look frumpy. The perfect pair! I threw out my favorite one that I bought from a really cheap store back in the Philippines. The seams gave way due to the sudden deluge of fat attack. I got one from New Look. Its in the washing machine as we speak.

This video:

....and last but not the least... Cori's amazing smile! :-)

God is Great

2008-03-16T20:42:00.002Z

I was brushing my teeth just a few minutes ago. I was thinking of random things, mulling over some things that I have read earlier. I was blog surfing and I came to chance upon bryanboy's blog and from him, I stumbled upon another site authored by Brian Gorrell, an Australian HIV (+) gay man who was duped by a filipino gay socialite(?) out of his lifesavings. He was so devastated he started an online journal, what is interesting about this, is that he painted such a graphic picture, of crassness, of grossness, of immorality, of infedility and everything you can think of about the coke-laden "high society ladies and gentlemen of the philippines."

Needless to say, being the gossipmonger that I am, I was hooked. I read the whole thing from start to finish. He's entertaining to say the least. But what comes across is his utter hatred for the whole thing that happened to him. Poor guy.

It got me to thinking about certain points in my life that I started to believe that going out and drinking to get drunk and puking all over the place. Like those high society people in the glossy mags. I thought it was cool. I dont know the trigger point of that kind of behavior. But at least, I wasnt able to let go of my studies. I still made top grades but somehow my outlook in life became warped.

Before that behavior started, I was really idealistic. "No sex before marriage," that kind of mentality. I had several boyfriends and some flings but never did do the deed with them.

I actually had a trigger point when my behaviour started to change. And from that point, my self-esteem went so low. I doubted myself and everything around me. Hedonism is the key. Life is for living. It was extreme.

I saw myself sliding and I couldnt stop myself. I knew I was in a self-destructing mode. I couldnt tell anyone. My self-denial was so extreme that unconsciously I think I was doing well at school so no one would know what was really happening.

I wasnt ready for help because even though I felt bad about what was happening to me, I felt alive. Unrestricted. Self-duplicity.

But now, I'm always thankful to God. For whatever things that I did, He always made sure that I landed right. For making sure that I was well looked after. God is merciful. God is great.

Naga City

2008-03-13T14:02:00.006Z

My sister and I always have talked about how we love Naga City. If I stay in a place either for a day or a year, I’d always get the feeling of transcience. My whole body –the trillions and trillions of cells that make it up are taut with the expectation that they will go home. As soon as I see that arch banner that proclaims Maogmang lugar, I can let out that pent up breath I unconsciously save up as soon as my feet step unto home.

I like routines, with the odd surprise or two. I am a creature of habit. And this is the reason why Nueva Caceres is home. Its personality, habits and routine are so predictable --its almost cruel. I am not denigrating it. It is a micro-manila with the charm of an old town.

Before entering Naga, you’d be deluged by miles and miles or rice paddies. To the extent, that when one of my “friends” asked me how to go to my city. I told him, go straight ahead, when you see a rice paddie with mud, turn right..when you come to the crossing, where there are four rice paddies with a carabao grinning, turn right again then straight ahead. Do not be alarmed when the rice paddies seem to look the same, after four kilometres of rice paddies. Turn right, and be prepared for another 8 kilometers of the same stuff.

I grinned unashamedly at his stupefied look.

But once you do get into the city. Crossing the Mabolo Bridge (if you turn left and stop at number 32 thats our house), you’re first impression wouldn’t be so great. Tabucco St., and the diversion road to Concepcion isn’t what you would call a welcoming sight. Jeepneys, buses, the brave odd tricycle or two is what you’d get. And yes, Rice paddies on the roadside that are overgrown with weeds.

But once you’re in centro (centrepoint). Things get interesting. The first thing you’d see is the Naga City Supermarket. It is said that the Naga Supermarket is the largest “dirty” market in Luzon barring Metro Manila. I spent a lot of time here when I was growing up. My yaya, Ate Iyang, would bring me along with her as we shop for food. The experience was mixed with horror and abject fascination for the unknown. The smell is awesomely hideous in the poultry, fish, and meat section. The corridors are grimy with millions of yet unidentified bacteria. The peoples’ voices haggling over prices reaching a volume that no self-respecting tenor would dare emulate. Needless to say, I loved going there every time we needed a chicken or two.

I remember one story about an American woman crying over shrimps. She was shopping for some shrimps in the market but then she saw that the shrimps were small. Almost microscopic in size. She was going on and on about how the poor fisherman (shrimper?) has such great disrespect for the environment because they were catching shrimps that aren’t fully grown. The poor vendor was staring at her with such horror. The idiotic American didn’t realize that the shrimps in question are fully grown. These were the kind that we use to make bagoong. Small scale fishermen actually has much more respect for the sea than the big foreign fishing vessels that plague our empty of coast guards ports. Its their main source of livelihood, so they have great respect for it.

The city has two plazas. One big and one small. One of the quirks about this is that the locals refer to these plazas as the Villafuerte’s plaza and the mayor’s plaza. There is a long standing feud between Naga City’s Mayor and the Province’s Governor. Rumor has it that the old Villafuerte (ex-governor now Congressman) has supported the then young Mayor Robredo, but Robredo turned sides and became an enemy of the Governor. I don’t know if its true or not, but as long as I can remember there was a feud and it concretizes in the plazas in the center of our city. One advantage of the plaza of the mayor over the much decorated plaza of the governor is that the mayor’s has a grandstand.

For one thing, all regional activities are done in the Governor’s plaza. Once while one of the Villafuerte’s, i think it was LRAY, was running for office, and needed the city’s plaza to run a meeting de abanse (a rally). The mayor didn’t issue a permit for the use of the city plaza. So in turn the Villafuerte’s held it in their plaza. It was so crowded because superstar Judy Ann Santos was there. I think so was Jolina Magdangal. They even erected their own grandstand.

It was quite a pitiful sight.

But the governor’s plaza is really pretty. One thing you can say about the Villafuerte’s. They do have style.

Not to be outdone, the Mayor struck a deal with the rich Chinese business man Robertson. Let’s just call him Robertson since he owns the department store Robertson’s that fronts the two plazas in the story. Robertson beautified the then derelict plaza. Installing tiled bricks, landscaping the place. In turn he got a free massive rent free plot right near the square center. He put shops and a restaurant in the plaza (behind the grandstands).

A pretty shrewd move that earned him even more megabucks. But before I left I think the restaurant closed. I think it was pretty unpopular. Though the place was good, the service and the food is pretty abysmal. There are more worthy resto to eat.

Robertson exemplifies the typical Chinese businessman in the country. Although the move seems to be altruistic, there’s always a hidden motive underneath it. But you cannot discount their business sense.

In the square center. There’s another little plaza that has no political ties attached to it. This plaza commemorates the fifteen Bicolano martyrs that died for their beliefs that was Philippine Independence from the Spanish. Right in front of it is the San Francisco Church which has a bell tower that was constructed by the Spaniards in 15th century. Its a ruin but still its there. Quite historic.

I love the square. Its such a hub of activity. Its full of wonderful little shops, cafes and bistros and the garish mall. This place is where most students from the university belt seem to melt. There used to be a long parade of tricycle drivers in front of the church waiting for passengers. But it was moved a couple of meters away to the “paris” to lessen the traffic.

What exactly is “paris?”?

It is named after Paris the city. The Parisians are famous for eating outside right where passing motorists can actually inhale the food that you are about to put into your mouth. This little Paris is located near San Francisco Church. This is famous for cheap but delicious food. Various little stalls sell a cuisine that is typically meat floating in a sea of soy sauce and oil, just kidding. Its actually a plethora of bicol dishes. My ex boyfriend and I spent many poverty filled days eating out there when we couldn’t go to restos. Before I really wasn’t keen on it. But either that or don’t spend much time at all together so of course, i braved the hepatitis world and ate there.

There’s loads more to tell about the city. Its people. Its culture. The almost seemingly incongruous ability to adapt to change yet maintaining its inherent charms is the things i miss most about it.

I’m coming home soon. Happy would be the least of the nouns to describe what i feel about the idea of seeing home again.

Stiff Neck

2008-03-11T10:14:00.003Z

Stiff neck. I woke up yesterday and I couldnt move my head in the usual way. I cupped my neck to see where it hurt. Pinched the muscles. Massaged it.

And I came to the conclusion that even my ears have pain receptors.

So yesterday, in a perpetual inquiring posture, I was walking around doing chores with my head cocked to one side.

Even now, there's still some residual pain left. I looked up the self-treatment for it. And I was so shocked (:-D) to discover that stiff neck are manifestations of some underlying emotional drama. or some idiopathic disease. Nah. These were the pages that just wanted to sell me something. Basically, aside from self-massage in some specific spots and a hot shower. There's nothing much you can do about it.

I did apply those things quite judiciously to the extent that my prunelike skin was begging for relief. I stepped off the shower with such great hopes only to have them dashed.

The pain receptors were on rampage.

So here I am still writing with my head tilted.

Those Rainy Days

2008-03-06T08:47:00.003Z

For the past two weeks, in my estimation, I never had any 4 hour sleep that wasnt interrupted by Cori crying.
Last night was really bad. Cori went to bed around 8 pm, started whinging around 10. Then finally fell asleep around 12. Having said so, I didnt get around to bed until 12 pm. I woke up again at 2 because Cori was singing the baby song. Then by three she started to scream. I gave her to Brendan (losing him also much needed sleep). He couldnt calm her down so I took her back. Finally she went to sleep again at 5. By this time, I was also awake the whole time. She woke up screaming again at around 7 am. Fed her the milk.

In short, I only had two hours of sleep.

Cori has been sick the past three weeks. Due to colds and teething. Normally she's the most amiable baby any parent would be proud to call their own. Started sleeping throughout the night when she was only two months old. Can be content to sit for hours on her little chair and play with her little toys. Smile at me every morning for the past eight months when she wakes up.
The little baby from heaven.

Who morphed in this unrecognizable screaming little monster. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

What a timing. Here I am, hacking my lungs out. My nose running like Niagara falls and my eyes tearing to support the water problem in some godforsaken drought ridden country. What does a girl do in this situation?

Eat of course. But to due to my ~~laziness to get food~~ foresight in seeing that I might lose my willpower I did not have any comfort food around. So I've been eating a banana hoping the sweetness might cure me of my need for chocs.

I am not giving up on my diet. And I am not giving up on my little unexpected monster.

The Pursuit of Nobility

2008-03-05T23:35:00.003Z

The pursuit of something noble is always tantalizing. Rather like a glimmering ball that is waved before my nose leading me around like bessie the cow. But once bitten and chewed, is spitted off like dirt. Anything that involves a noble endeavour, always start with an idea.

And that is a big problem.

I have ideas. I consider some ideas because ideas which are neither absurd or dangerous isnt worth considering at all. Its not me whose saying it. I think it was Albert Einstein. Look it up. But I'm pretty sure it was him. Ideas doesnt come to me when I will them to appear rather I think my best ideas happen on the spur of the moment. Rather like Archimedes. Its amazing how even the most banal aspect of life's routine can give birth to something momentous. I've always been afraid that I would never have an original idea of my own. To think that occassionally, I come up with a single idea worthy to be written down, but when the process of actually hashing it out to the bitter end until it becomes an idea of a worth, I simply dont have the patience.

Or rather upon examination, my ideas doesnt stand up under examination. When I hit upon an idea, the adrenaline rush of coming up with something noble is very exciting. I get lost in the moment of wallowing in my own brilliance. And that is something I dont want to give up under the cool inspection of logic. So basically, my ideas are not worthy for adoption but merely for consideration.

Over the years, I think I might say that I have influenced a lot of people with my opinions, beliefs and thoughts. It might be detrimental or beneficial to these people? I dont really know. But what I do know is that I come across giving these ideas with purpose and I may have misrepresented myself because I never really thought about the consequences of what I was saying. Thats pretty hard to admit, but the only people I've ever really been honest with sharing my opinions that is born out of concern for them is those that I really cared about. The rest --ah i really didnt give a damn.

I am at the stage in my life, where every action I do, I want to peruse with something akin to cool, dispassionate logic. It is a requirement I think will help me in life. Moreover, it is something I really want to do. And where does morality come into here? That goes without saying that is of course already woven to it.

I Went on a Diet

2008-03-05T13:01:00.004Z

OMG. I officially hit the overweight BMI. Not by so much, but I'm in it. All those crisps and chocs must have done their trick. I got so depressed when I look at the scale that I resolved right then and there to go to Somalia and go on starvation diet.

Until sense hit me right square on the forehead.

I went cold turkey. No sweets or extra rice or crisps. My willpower is being tested to the limit. But what keeps me going is the image of me wearing my old clothes again. But it is soooo hard. Last night, I even dreamt about chicharon and cakes and walker crisps.

I do not understand why I could not shed off the weight I've accumulated. Before if I fast for three days, I automatically lose 2 kilos, but now I've been eating sensibly for the past three days. And by sensible --I'm not eating portions that can feed me for a month or so, I estimated that for the past three days I've only been eating 1500 calories a day. Well, there's still a couple of days more to complete this week. My goal is to lose at least a kilo by then end of the week. I wonder how I can do that, when I'm feeling under the weather and not up to walking around (especially since Cori is sick too).

Target goal is to at least get back on the normal BMI by the end of the month. *sigh* And that means I have to lose 6 pounds. To tell anyone the truth, this past three days that I have been off the chochies, I've been feeling a bit better. Although it maybe contributed also to the fact that I had my monthly visitor. So I'm not feeling bloated at all.

I'm wavering. Help.

Never Ever Get tired of People Power

2008-02-28T11:49:00.003Z

This is for my sister

2008-02-27T09:20:00.002Z

What Kind of A Person

2008-02-24T12:24:00.002Z

Oh to live and live and live...as if youre dying the next hour.

If I die, I wonder what people would say about me? A man's personality is often diverse. Multi-patterned in a macrosystem, every trace and line reaching out everywhere, often without knowing he has affected people in so many different ways.

My current favorite poet (1924-2000) has described what I am feeling about myself:

What Kind of a Person

"What kind of a person are you," I heard them say to me.
I'm a person with a complex plumbing of the soul,
Sophisticated instruments of feeling and a system
Of controlled memory at the end of the twentieth century,
But with an old body from ancient times
And with a God even older than my body.
I'm a person for the surface of the earth.
Low places, caves and wells
Frighten me. Mountain peaks
And tall buildings scare me.
I'm not like an inserted fork,
Not a cutting knife, not a stuck spoon.

I'm not flat and sly
Like a spatula creeping up from below.
At most I am a heavy and clumsy pestle
Mashing good and bad together
For a little taste
And a little fragrance.

Arrows do not direct me. I conduct
My business carefully and quietly
Like a long will that began to be written
The moment I was born.

so Now I stand at the side of the street
Weary, leaning on a parking meter.
I can stand here for nothing, free.

I'm not a car, I'm a person,
A man-god, a god-man
Whose days are numbered. Hallelujah.

Translated from the Hebrew by Barbara and Benjamin Harshav, in A Life of Poetry: 1948 - 1994, New York, HarperCollins, 1994, with thanks to the publisher

I am so lost. I dont know where to start. I have some vague idea of what I want to achieve in life, and all I can think about is "how does this define me as person?"

To be happy is all I ever wanted to be. I am though. Something is still lacking. Earlier this afternoon, I was thinking about whether if dont have obligations and responsibilities and I am free to do whatever I want, would I still want to travel the world? I didnt know.

What I wanted to do is leave my mark somewhere and be a happy person.

Now, I dont know what can make me ecstatically happy. All my life, I've been feeling like this. Maybe this is why I like danger so much, I do not mean being an adrenaline junkie. Just danger. And whenever I am in it, its the only times I feel truly alive. I even like pain. It reminds me that I am human.

My Day

2008-02-19T17:28:00.007Z

Today I met Susan Cunningham. And her baby boy Colin, whom would have been named Charlotte if he was born a girl. Its amazing what you would know about a person in two hours: life history, love story, ambitions in life, plans for the future, everyday routine. etc.etc.etc.

I like her. But the sad thing is, she'll just be staying here for a year then going back to Philadelphia. So sad.

Yesterday we made plans to meet at St. Jame's Park at 12:30 pm which was fine with me. So off we go. Though I did the sheets first to get rid of all B's germs (He had the flu the past couple of days), so I did the laundry, made myself some breakfast and bundled up Cori like a little Albanian refugee stuck in Alaska.

B left me his Oyster Card. Yay! That means I can go gallivanting around London like a possessed woman with a baby-in-a-pram in tow.

This little movie is something I made earlier. Go watch this.

Just a couple of people on the way home I talked with. They say that London is a place whom conversation between strangers is highly unusual. The real londoners perhaps. But to a hick like me, of course, its not. On the way to the park, I talked with loads of people. They say that its always easy to talk to a sympathetic stranger. I must say that I played that role to the hilt.

The old Burmese guy talked to me about how he has 13 grandchildren, and two great grandchildren. He has 5 children, all of whom married white people. Ha! (white people --being Welsh, Irish, English, Australian and American). He told me how his in-laws prefer spending Christmases with them because their hospitality is unparalleled. While he was talking, I was wondering why he still had difficulty speaking in English since he had already been in England since 1959.

He said something like this to me: "I want my bones to be buried in Burma. This country has treated me well. In terms of diplomacy and respect of human rights, the United Kingdom is the best in the world. But when I die, I want to be home. Never forget your roots. It defines you."

He helped me out of the carriage and warned me off not going home by the rush hour.

Such a kind old gentleman.

I was an hour late in meeting Susan. I missed the train.

But I saw her. It is strange hearing an american accent. I never really noticed how the air pass through their nose everytime they speak. It reminded me of Karen's voice in Will and Grace. But she was very pretty. 30sh but tiny and really attractive.

We talked and talked and talked while my ears started to crumble and drift away to be eaten by the ducks. It was freezing.

We went home promising to call each other again. I dont know. I may have scared her off by my theories that white kids are being kidnapped to be sold to the chinese. Such idiotic theories spouted from my brain's sluggishness due to the cold.

Info about the pics:

Railroad tracks

Filipino store in Victoria

Guy who asked me for directions

Lunch menus outside my favorite food place

Me in buckingham palace

the baby is Colin (Susan's)

Krispy Kremes (the best donuts in the world!)

The big bus tour --an indian guy offered me free tickets

Just work them out. Muah!

ELIZA - a friend you could never have before

2008-02-18T22:25:00.002Z

My conversation with Eliza –a super sympathetic computer.
You can also try it if you like. This is a result of deadtirednessness that I actually typed in google “bored.”

ELIZA - a friend you could never have before
You: its because i just dont

Eliza: Do any other reasons not come to mind?

You: No because I'm too tired to think of other reasons

Eliza: You are being a bit negative.

You: You are not being sympathetic..

Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am not being sympathetic?

You: no

Eliza: You are being a bit negative.

You: If I include the word no and yes at the same time, what would you answer?

Eliza: What resemblance do you see?

You: What resemblance do I see in where?

Eliza: Does that question interest you?

You: Yes.

Eliza: You are sure?

You: Yes

Eliza: You are sure?

(Conversation ends..apparently computer cannot think of anything more to say)
So I tried another tack...)

You: 100 percent absolutely

Eliza: Please go on.

You: I do not want to anymore why cant you just behave...

Eliza: Why do you not want to anymore why cant i just behave?

You: oh forget it, let me tell you about a man who died of fright because of cats ate his intestines, and his fingers turned to blue, all because he ate oreos..

Eliza: Do you wish to tell me?

You: I've already told you the whole she-bang!

Eliza: Oh, i the whole shebang.

You: you sound like an idiot

Eliza: Oh, i sound like an idiot.

You: you really sound like an idiot.

Eliza: Oh, i really sound like an idiot.

You: Thank you for your time. I dont wish to talk to you anymore.

Eliza: Oh, i for my time you dont wish to talk to i anymore.

And that was my conversation with Eliza.

Just finished doing the laundry. I'm itching to get the dettol and clean everything in sight. B is away for a three-day training. All alone again with the squealing Queen.

Email to Friends

2008-02-16T17:27:00.004Z

I was just looking at some of the pictures ni Maying and Andz sa friendster ni aNdrea. ANyway, I was just struck with something vaguely disturbing... Ang sisiba talaga ta noh!/!? Maying what a bite naman.. friendster pic:

Do anyone know about the concept of "personal fable?" Its the unawareness of yourself and life's little tricks. Its the belief that bad things only happen to other people and not to yourself. I guess all of us have personal fable.

Just a thought I guess. What brought this on was this: I was walking down the street and suddenly this guy ran out of a store clutching some stuff and bumped into me! I wasnt seriously hurt or anything, but before I could even stand up he began running again and I thought, "oh wow! just like it the movies!" I'd be a well-paid extra. And a moment later there was another guy running after him.

There are some unreal stuff that has happened into my life that i thought couldnt ever happen. You know what I mean. I thought I was too smart for bad things to happen to me. In short, personal fable again.

On to a lighter note. I went to one of those things that filipino expats go to. I met some wonderful people and some "good looking guys" SERIOUSLY looking for a filipina girlfriend. One new acquaintance of mine was constantly telling me to hook him with a filipina. I told him there's no shortage of filipinas in london why does he have to have a girlfriend right in the philippines. He told me: either yaya, housemaid, or TNT ang kakilala ko dito. of a certain age. (meaning MATURE, to put it kindly) and the nurses that he know are either taken or too old for him. Granted, he wasnt really THAT good looking to have such high expectations from his future partner, but he actually was nice and kind. So if anyone is interested in a guy who looks like a young version of Congressman ABALOS, kindly email me. ANY TAKERS? noh!?!?

On to my daughter. I cannot believe that she is indeed my daughter. I just look at her, and go.."oh wow!" Is this what Kat2 go through? She has indeed gained a lot of weight from the last time. But my cousin here told me that she looked a bit thinner, I couldnt tell. My left arm disagrees with her. She has an odd fascination for this duck.. Watch the video. She absolutely loves it.

Ill be coming home soon. See you guys.

Love you all.

Window Trouble

2008-02-16T16:58:00.003Z

A couple of weeks ago. Muntik nang matanggal ni mamang installer ang window frame.. He thought it was cement but it was just plaster. So when he drilled to install the satellite dish, this is what happened...

One more thing to substract from the deposit. Sana hindi nahalata ni B. Ma blow up na naman yun.

... and i so love my TFC.

I am so lonely

2008-02-14T15:55:00.002Z

Lately all I can think about is going home.
When I wake up in the morning, I want to go back to sleep because I dreamt that I was back in my old room and that the sun is hitting straight on my face again.
Whenever I cook a dish, I'd be thinking about pancit canton, pancit bihon, siopao, halo halo, and i'd be so hungry, I'd be eating everything in sight again.

Fuck it. I am so damn miserable because of the weather, being with myself all the time. Even if I do think that i am the greatest creature ever created and a jolly good company, I still get tired being with myself.

And Cori. Poor Cori is now being blamed for my lethargy, listlessness. Its no hardship taking care of her, its just that its getting so tiring.

I am so ready to scream.

I cant even blame B for his absences because its not really his fault. Making money to feed his little family is the top priority right now. I am in such a hurry to get a job. Making money is one way of revving up my system again.

Earlier this afternoon while Cori was having her nap, I was lying in bed beside her and thought of ways to get rid of all these fats. I thought of doing the crunches again, but my poor abdominal muscles are still pouting because of the work I gave them, and somehow straining enough to produce one crunch is not appealing.

I then hope that I will obtain a virus that wont affect my normal energy --something that just renders food --tasteless. If anyone has ever invented a drug that does exactly that, send me a whole bottle.

It actually happened to me once. I lost so much weight, even i got frightened.

Philippines..philippines....

Bayang magiliw..
perlas ng silanganan..
alab ng puso..
sa dibdib mo'y...

I am so lonely.

Woe is Me!

2008-02-12T19:55:00.000Z

Symptoms:

I am dead tired.
My head aches, my vision is bleary sometimes (not always) from lack of sleep.
My ears have this constant ringing in them.
I feel bloated all the time (from the crisps that i constantly eat).

In short. Just your average housebound mom.

I cant wait to go back home.

Single Awareness Day

2008-02-12T18:42:00.000Z

Happy Single Awareness Day or better known as Valentine's Day!

Funny

2007-08-18T14:26:00.000+01:00

I havent slept for the past two days, I might get an odd hour or two of sleep here but i really havent slept that much. For one thing, last thursdays' gallon of coffee did kept me awake and last night Cori was too fidgety that I kept waking up to check whats wrong with her.

Anyway, I'm packing our clothes for our 9 day visit with ate Liz in her place. If it were just me, I'd shuck off all my clothes in a plastic bag and go there, but with a baby in tow, our luggage has just resembled Paris hilton's luggage if she was to go in a retreat in the Himalayas mountains. We'd probably need porters to carry our stuff.

I took a break and went on the internet to check for some messages. Hmmm. And i happen to come across this site about an Iranian living in the states. It made me laugh so hard. Asians really share a lot of qualities, dont they? Read it for yourself to know what I mean.

Still havent eaten breakfast though, the other night Brendan and I watched this bloke halved his weight in three months by not eating sweets. We looked at each other and the chocolates in our mouths and we laughed so hard. I didnt know what brought that on. We are chochaholics. I told him that we shouldnt eat sweets anymore and he agreed with me. The next day I ate a whole bar of Cadbury. And when he got home later in the day, he had a kitkats with him. Sad.

Im looking forward to this weeklong trip. Brendan will be joining us in the weekend. Im sure he'd be looking forward to having some peace and quiet around here. He went flying today. He was up 3 in the morning. Said they are going to France. He looked like a little boy, absolutely excited. He misses flying, around here you have to pay 150 pounds to fly a plane. Not the remote controlled ones, the real ones. I was talking earlier to ma and she thought i was talking about the remote controlled plane I got Brendan, I told her it was the real one. Funny.

Is my deadpan voice going though this post? I feel gothic. I started reading all the Ann Rice's books I've just borrowed. Sigh. Vampires. What am I thinking? Even Cori looked at the covers of those books suspiciously.

I dont know whether I'd post again or not. But maybe next week.

My Perfect Blend

2007-08-16T02:41:00.000+01:00

had a lovely afternoon. Sounds so english doesnt it? Lovely. I never thought I would go around describing my afternoon with adjectives, nice and lovely. But it really was. Let me roll it around a bit, looovveeelyyyyyyyyyy...
I met Claire in this coffee shop near streatham hill station. I was a bit early cause we planned to meet at around 2pm, but she changed it to 2:30. So i went to the library instead. Got all the Anne Rice books that I can borrow, cleaned the shelf out. I dont know whether I've got the time to read them all. Seems the day that I can finish three books in an afternoon is gone. But it sure beats borrowing from Laarni's.
My Perfect Blend. Claire was the one who recommended it. I must admit though that it is better than all the other coffee shops that Brendan and I went to. I had a lot of cappucinos. I am running on caffeine. But we had a lovely time. There it is again, lovely.
I learned a lot about Claire. She's not the ordinary English girl that you come across with, the one who wears lots of eyemakeup and speaks the phrases "you know what i mean?" and "yeah" every other syllable. She speaks the Queen's english, went to Kensington and Chelsea College. Posh schools, but she's really down to earth.
Lovely afternoon. :-) Gotta do it again sometime..Battersea Park for a picnic. Yeah.

About Me

2007-08-15T02:22:00.000+01:00

I havent been writing. Before I gave birth, I actively kept a journal which of course was brutally honest to myself, but again, I didnt feel unburdened as I should have been. Ive always thought that journals should make you feel lighter, of being free from thoughts that bother your mind. But I wasnt. I've always been an open and yet at the same time extremely private person. Or should I say, selective? Conversations and feedback is what I've always wanted to have. Its an admission of weakness of course. I'm not strong enough to make my own mind. I always need the security of having someone to blame. Deeply immature but totally acceptable. This foible of course has always been present in history. Even great men had done it. Arguably of course.
The lengthy opening paragraphs to myself is embarassing. But it sums up who I perceive I am. I am a politician. Someone said that to me once. I can go around and around but never actually go that specific point. That is why I always want an intelligent person to converse with so that he can deduce what I am saying. Or rather what I am not saying.
I am not an intellectual snob. I would probably be described as the person who get snubbed by the snobs. The height of what I think is intelligent cuisine is spaghetti bolognese. The height of what I think is intelligent book is uhm, i dare not say, books are my loves, there's simply too many. The height of an intellectual film is Forrest Gump. See? The height of what i think is the best wine is the most expensive one in the menu. Fashion? I wouldnt know a chloe shirt from the divisoria rip-offs.
But I know things. I know a little bit of everything, a piece here, a bit there, enough so when we talk we can actually relate on a personal level. Or it maybe just that I am staring at your eyes and the gaze that you have mistaken for interest is actually hiding thoughts of cheeseburger and chips. I can be superficial that way. It is merely a show of politeness though so dont take offense.
This is my life. Varied. A mother, a bum who doesnt know what she wants to do with her life. A wife. A singular person in a place where she's starting over from scratch.
I've always wanted independence and the opportunity to know whether I am a strong person. Ive always wondered. Now I have it.
Read on. :-) Have a great day.

Another Walking Day

2007-06-26T14:17:00.000+01:00

Cheryl and I walked a long way today. I was surprised we actually found Primark and a Mothercare. I thought we had to go all the way to Peckham. Its a relief, I dont even know where Peckham is.
England is full of places that ends in "ham." Do they have a national obsession with Pork or something? I dont know. But it really is kinda weird.
Being around her all the time is starting to affect my speech. Like I'd speak, "these clothes," like "them clothes." I started to use words like "bloody" and "me life." Brendan calls her a bushie. I dont know if thats the way to say it. The other day, I made a comment to her that her grand daughter wont be Australian or Filipino, she'd grew up English. And she didnt like it one bit. She calls the English 'pommies.' Either black or white, it doesnt matter to her, she calls them all pommies.She's really nice though. She's spending so much. Its kinda unbelievable.Well, we found baby blankets today that doesnt cost the earth and the entire universe. THe mothercare shop we went to was having a sale! The sleepsuits that we bought in Brixton, were the same ones they had on sale and it they were on sale for half the price. I was really mad. At least some of the other stuffs came cheap.:-)My bag is packed. I'm raring to go. Its just the labor pains that I'm waiting for. When will she ever come out? I want to stop being pregnant, I want to see her so much so that at nights, i actually thought that she's already here.No labor pains though. Wonder when will it actually happen? I guess sometime this week. Tomorrow is my 40th week and I'm due.God, i cant believe how awful i feel. WHen i stand up, it feels like I'm about to pitch forward. And my back ache the worst thing ever. Sigh.

Drama

2007-06-25T12:20:00.000+01:00

We went for a long walk on Saturday. We went to see the sights of London. Particularly the center. I dont know if I enjoyed it, I actually dont know what makes me happy or not. Sometimes I answer in the required human expression. Laughter for comedy, appropriate facial expressions when a person is saying something sad, but it feels like the real me is not here. Somewhere under where I can pretend that I am alright and it doesnt matter that I am so bloody terrified of all things happening to me that I cant seem to make sense of it all.

Ever had the feeling that you know its happening at that moment at that particular time but you are in such a state that you feel like youre looking at a movie? I dont know if i sound demented or not. I dont actually feel anything anymore. Sometimes when i laugh genuinely, i actually surprise myself. Like last night, there was this show that made me laugh. I actually felt it pierce the blankness of monotony that I find i'm wrapped in. It felt so good to laugh. It felt really good.

I am afraid of lots of things.
I am afraid that i dont really know myself, much less what i want.
I am afraid for my daughter. I
am afraid that she wont be loved by me as much as i want her to be because of my insecurities and inferiority complex.
I am afraid that my husband doesnt really love me and sees me only as a responsibility.
I am afraid that my life will turn out that i'd just be placating and making up for all the things that I lack.
I am afraid that i will never be good enough for the things that I want to do.
I am afraid that my family will place me in a little stereo-typed box called "the one in London," and treat me like i am not a part of them anymore. That I am different.
I am afraid that my daughter will get treated differently.
I am afraid of giving birth and having my baby born blind or with a defect.
I am afraid of the pain.

My wishes.
I wish my husband would be more supportive emotionally.
I wish I'd be more confident in voicing out what i want.
I wish that i dont have to appear strong all the time.
I wish my damn leg doesnt hurt so much so I can actually move and do things.
I wish that my baby will be here and i'd be able to have someone to pour my love into who seems to want it.
I wish I am back home and has my mom to look after me and baby me. God I miss her so much.
I wish I have my friends with me.
I wish I have lots of money so I can just buy things for Cori without thinking of the cost.
I wish that my baby would be safe and happy.

Its not good when I try to sort out through my emotions. I end up exhausted or just plain spent. My heart aches so bad when I do that. But sometimes I need to, cause the blanket of blankness that I wrap myself in doesnt seem to hold me together when I am too full.I miss home. I miss all things familiar. Everyone says it isnt easy. I suppose it does get easier when time passes by. But I get scared when memories chip away one by one. Whats left of me then?

Baby Mania

2007-06-22T11:30:00.000+01:00

Eeek. I've been waiting several weeks now to give birth to Cori. I dont have any niggling pains or anything like that. It's just that, she has dropped really low and Cheryl (my mother-in-law) and Brendan are wondering how can a baby stay inside me so long.Its been almost a week since she came over. I really thought it would be really bad, cause i really dont know what to say to her. But she's very much easy to live with and be with. She has the same quality as Brendan. Actually she makes things much easier for me, cause she's a woman and she understands exactly what I'm undergoing and possibly will be undergoing. Thats why I'm hoping that Cori will come early so enough time can be spent with one of her grandma.Last night, we packed my maternity bag with all of Cori's stuff. I think I still need lots of stuff to put into it, i wouldnt know though. I havent given birth before.But to look at the bright side,it would be pretty wonderful to be able to actually wear stuff that would fit me. I'm really tired of being pregnant. THough i cant absolutely wait to see Cori, I'm also looking forward to spending a couple of more days sleeping and resting for a while.These days all i just want to do is lie around and sleep.We were at the shop yesterday (Peacock's) and I saw a baby shirt that says 'My heart belongs to daddy.' It was so damn cute, i actually bought it! It gave me a funny feeling inside to realize that the baby isnt just mine...While packing yesterday, Brendan started taking pictures of us (me and Cheryl) preparing the baby stuff. When he picked up a sleepsuit and held it close to his body, it almost made me cry. I was so pleased with the picture. I imagined what kind of father he would be. Sheesh. Mush.Now, I'm just waiting for the engineer person to come around and fix our washing machine. Where the hell are they?

On to London

2007-06-12T21:11:00.000+01:00

The travel to London wasnt as exhausting as I thought it would be. The morning of my departure came and there were several missed calls from my phone from Brendan. I didnt know why he called. I thought he would surely understand that i'd be very busy preparing for my flight and all. I asked him about the calls and he said, "I thought you werent coming. Maybe you've changed your mind and didnt know how to tell me."

It always happens that way. I am referring to the fact that no matter what happens wherever he goes, I will want to be with him. I dont know why I've always felt this surety about him. Leaving my old life, everything familiar, starting over in a place I haven't been before. I always wonder about this. I've had so many relationships that I've taken seriously but never had i had someone who can make me do this thing. As if the power of his own conviction and my own that everything will be alright seem to clothe over the mundane trivial things that I would usually hyperventilate about.

Everything isn't clear or concise.

My first glimpse of England came from a video of in front of the Airplane. I was seated next to a 29 year old Filipino woman traveling to Bermuda as a company accountant. It was her first time too. She told me she bought so many bags, clothes, shoes and etc with her that the rest has to be shipped off. Cost saving she tells me. Things are frightfully expensive over there and she would want the 200,000 php she will earn goes to her savings and stuff. I was really happy I met this girl. I forgot her name. From Manila to Dubai, i travelled alone and seated next to a very fat guy. My feet became swollen and I had difficulty getting out of my seat. Cori has metamorphed in a very big baby.

When we departed the plane, we became lost. We unknowingly took a wrong turn so we had to backtrack. It made me wonder about all those poor illiterate people who would really get lost because they wouldnt know where to go. Immigration wasnt so good. I had to go to a medical doctor who had to sign me in. Dr. Sy's medical certificate really came in handy for most of the trip.

We emerged, with my companion dragging my bags.

And the I saw him waiting. Smiling.

Mano Po!

2007-03-04T09:38:00.000Z

There's a unique tradition in the Philippines. Though, I don't know if its still being practiced among the seemingly new generation. It's called "mano po."

It is a sign of respect for the elders. You put your forehead on the back of the hand (either right or left) of the person older than you are usually your grandparents, your parents, your older relatives i.e. aunts or uncles, or visitors to your house whom you respect, or when you go to another's house.

I realized that this custom is not merely a way to show respect for the elders. Its also a sign of the elders showing what they think of you. It is a barometer whether they deemed you are deserving of their esteem or not.

If an older person deliberately refuse to let you perform this tradition, without a doubt it is an insult of grave proportions. They are nonverbally saying in the english way of saying things, "you are not fit to kiss the soles of my shoes."

Earlier today, I was on a lunch break from doing test drills. I went with my friend Carmela to eat in a local resto. I didnt know that my mother was there, along with two of my aunts. The first aunt seemingly has accepted my condition and the second one is still angry at me.

I went over my mom's table to show my respect and my 2nd aunt jokingly refused to give me her hand. What do they say about the jokes? Its 50 percent half meant.

I am angry.

I am so angry.

Infact I am absolutely furious with her. Of course, I could not show my anger to her. That would be disrepectful, so I went up with my friends and ate my lunch.

I did not do anything to this person. I did not steal from her, I did not lie to her, I did not do anything that would be constructed as something evil or misconstructed as immoral to her person or her family.

And with that established, why would she insult me in such a way?

Human nature can be so cruel sometimes.

I'm Back.

2007-02-26T09:00:00.000Z

I'm back.
What can I say? The past few months have been tremenduously stressful. (understatement of the year).
I've been through floods, volcanoes erupting, and yep..getting pregnant.
For those of you who may not have indulged yourself in the gossip and thus have missed my fally from grace, I and avowingly confirm that I am not sterile.
I'll soon have a baby girl. And I dont know how I feel about that. Except of course that whenever I pass by baby clothes, I get all teary-eyed and happy.

I am happy.
Absolutely without a doubt, without a question. And I'm thankful to God that my family is okay.
So even though whenever I go out and see old biddies mimicking the way I walk (I waddle), I really dont mind. Mga patay na gutom na mga hayup na idtu.

This probably will be a short post, I just want to get back in the swing of writing again. I havent been writing at all the past months. Except in my diary, that poor little thing. But now that I am out (and what a relief!), I have a lot of catching up to do.

Thanks Muz for urging me back. I am singling you out because probably if not for you, this thing probably would have died an unglorious death.

I'll write more later when I have the chance.

2006-10-19T08:54:00.000+01:00

I am sorry for the long hiatus of this blog. I deliberately let everything rolled, so that I can just enjoy whatever it was that was happening without too much analyzing..thinking..and just let whatever they were exist as they are.

I know I dont have to apologize for it, and I am not. Seriously, I was even thinking about just cutting this blog off. Killing it. Without even a hint of remorse. I still can do it, and I want to. But it was pointed out to me that this is a record.

And so it is.

On to trivial stuff.

1. I had an exam, which made me feel really stupid because I felt i was just plodding through the questions which i dont understand.

2. I had another birthday. I turn 23 yesterday. Sad.

3. I am hoping for more things to do in order not to miss someone so much. Its killing me.

frOm IsarOg with LOVE>>> :-D

2006-09-12T12:17:00.000+01:00

Favorite Move Quote

2006-09-08T12:37:00.000+01:00

Coach Carter.

What is your deepest fear?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other peoplen won't feel insecure around you.
We were all meant to shine, as children do.
It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Ready na ako maging summa cum laude. :-D

Love is Difficult enough as it is

2006-08-27T12:25:00.000+01:00

Matet texted me once with this message. Some thoughts from Paolo Coehlo, one of my favorite authors. It said:

Have you ever experienced -"I'm suffering for a love that is not worth it," "We suffer because we feel we are giving more than we receive?" "We suffer because our love is going unrecognized," "We suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules,"

And he says -

Ultimately there is no good reason for our suffering; for every love lies the seed for our growth.

If for every time I love, and I suffer, my seeds have germinated and grown to such extent -that I think I am now an oak tree. A Mighty oak tree.

But the message lacks something that describes why I am suffering. Love can sometimes be the loneliest feeling in the world. When you're not with the person, and you feel such intense emotions that it just defies description; all you can actually do is say three trite little words: "I Love You," that doesn't even begin to encompass the intensity of the almost excruciating feelings that you feel devours you. And you feel almost singular in the partnership that you have with the person. You feel that the other cannot even imagine how intense you feel for him or her. And that's when you feel you're alone. That the love you feel being delegated to a status of being merely a 'feeling.' And that being that -cheapens it.

But to look at the other side of the coin. Because of the almost magical quality of the emotion itself--There are moments that you'd feel so connected with a person that its almost eerie. When you can actually foretell what the other person would be going to say, and you feel how good it is to say the three trite little words in that particular moment and you'd realize that the other person can understand and take in the entirety of the feelings that you're giving him or her. That's when you feel that your love is validated. That its real. This is the time that you'd ask yourself --"How can someone so beautiful would love me?" And then exactly at that time at that particular moment you'd be struck with something indelibly infinite.

2006-08-24T11:46:00.000+01:00

i didnt write this, but i am eternally grateful to the poet who wrote this for this feels exactly right.

It's a poem by e.e. Cummings.

For you.
You know who you are.

I carry your heart with me.

Icarry it in my heart.

I am never without it.

Anywhere I go, you go, my dear.

And whatever is done by only me...

is your doing, my darling.

I fear no fate...

for you are my fate, my sweet.

I want no world, for, beautiful...

you are my world, my true.

Here is the deepest secret no one knows.

Here is the root of the root...

and the bud of the bud...

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life...

which grows higher than the soul can hope...

or mind can hide.

It is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

I carry your heart.

I carry it in my heart.

2006-08-24T11:08:00.000+01:00

I woke up late pretty early today considering the fact that I had trouble sleeping. I woke up and I looked at the books outside my room that my dad stores. I havent read some of them yet and for some unknown reason, I was drawn to the biography of Imelda Marcos. The unofficial one, the same author who wrote the Untold Story, that was best seller after the Martial Law. She had a unique way of putting the story across. Objective and concise. Powerful stuff. I didnt notice the time, pretty soon it was already lunch and I was halfway finished. I couldnt put it down so much that I brought it with me to school and read it all through out lecture. My instructor this time is Barcedo, pretty okay, mediocre, so I'm bored.

Something happened earlier which made me realize that my way of thinking is changing. I don't know if I should be happy that at least I'm being more ...mature? I dont know if that's the word. But before I'm a pretty volatile person, I act immediately on what I feel regardless of the consequences of my actions. Now, I was taken aback by something a significant person said to me, and I was overcame by this rush of negative emotions, that (before) i would have probably lashed out. But this time, I was more circumspect. I paused. And I didnt do anything. And I felt good about myself afterwards.

I will be doing shifts at the hospital today. Until Saturday probably. which is a good thing. I havent been able to score any sideline jobs and I'm feeling quite panicky. And this will lessen any anxiety I'm feelingI did something really stupid, which i probably wont tell anyone because its stupid but I need to pay off that one. THAT is a lesson which I won't forget in a long time. A lesson that hurt sticks.

**break**
Ahh shit. Mitzi just texted, there's no duty tonight! WHich is a good thing or not? I dont know, she said to come instead to strmrx. Okay then. I'll be off.

A picture of me and friends.

The Effect of Swimming Three Days from 8 in the morning til 4 in the afternoon...NOGNOG!!!

2006-08-17T13:18:00.000+01:00

OUCH!!!

Fermented thoughts

2006-08-12T09:57:00.000+01:00

Changes. My friends, my family and I are always talking about changes. And how it seems like that you still feel the same but alot of things are changing, ones you don't expect, don't want and don't need (?). The last of course is subject to question because, there's always things we don't want but we need. We may not know it at that time but in hindsight after it happen we'd be thankful for it. But I'm digressing.

I'm talking bout changes, and how it seems that majority of the changes that happen seems to happen to other people except me and that I feel sometimes that I'm stuck in a void where I'd atrophy because I am not evolving or using much of myself. And that is one big freaking narcissistic thought. And I'm quite appalled that my perception is so narrowed that it assumed that idea.

Lately, there are somethings that bothered me but I had put it at the back of my head to fester and boil until concrete thoughts ferment and assume a much coherent and organized idea. Well, the past weekend (and all I can say about it is W-0-w), was a catalyst into making me think about some issues bout (forgive me) my lovelife.

As everyone had commented I had never really flagrantly pasted a billboard's worth of posts in this blog about the current state of my lovelife. First and foremost, I get a lot of ribbings from friends which I hate. 2nd, as "changes" generally occurs in my life, and this blog had been a testament to some of those changes particularly change in boyfriends and such, this will be a document that could be used as a reference material. I wouldnt want my boyfriend now reading about how I gushed over the old one. eeeekkk! (and that is a revealing statement). and 3rd, I have a great emphatic understanding for the thought that while writing about my love life will make me happy, the general reading populace probably wouldnt be. And believe me, I can write really yucky stuff...pure mushines.

But again I'm digressing, the fermented thoughts:

1. I had been talking to Harlene about sometimes at one point in your life, you discovered "the one" and is adamantly announcing that this will be the person you would be forever only to find yourself declaring a year after that it was a mistake. Is there really the right one? Or is it just a conscious choice to love a person the rest of your life? To be faithful to that one person in the hopes that this loyalty will grow into a lifelong attachment and security? Choice or destiny?

2. How will you know that the person you're with is the right one? I had some vague theories bout that, personally speaking, in my past relationships I normally entertain thoughts of lifetimes with the person I'm with, but I never really really concretized them. Plans are just merely plans. Meaning, plans to get there, I have no plans of determining the how's and wherefores. My sister said that she is sure about Kuya Erbe when she accepted marriage joyfully and without fear. But the question is, how will you know if you suit together? A lot of couples went into marriage having those feelings but end up hating each other 10 years afterwards. Living in first or marriage? Choice. choice.choice.

3. There are a lot of good ones out there, but the best one is out there too. Before I somehow have the feeling (forgive me old boyfriends) that while I'm happy with the one I'm with I can not seem to get over the feeling that I'm letting go of the best one for me out there. And that is not right. I know. But I can not just help myself. I'm just being honest admitting that maybe I'd have a problem totally comitting myself, but ;-) now, I have the best one for me .

Norman's Weird Video..Picked it from Him..Thanks Tin for uploading

2006-08-08T10:53:00.000+01:00

'Low

2006-08-03T12:15:00.000+01:00

A challenge to the perpetual optimist. Does it make right for you to describe a pediatric hospital as half-occupied?

I am getting quite lazy actually. Do professional students get burn-out? I mean I have been in school for 19 years without even a break. Just a measly year will do. But to think about it really, I'd be bored in 4 months. Except of course if I'm thrown somewhere in Lebanon or some other war-torn country where I'd not be bored. Worrying about one's life tend to get exciting.

;-)

This past week I had been training as a first-aid rescuer. Yep, a rescuer. Its quite fun actually, the only thing I'm worried about is the time when we go to "water rescue," I mean come on! I cannot for the life of me make perfect swimming strokes. I don't know whether my blobs of fat will contribute to my buoyancy but I'm not willing to find out. Dives and such scare the hell out of me so does exposing my rolly polly body to unappreciative audience. If someone's drowning, my idea of help is yelling that someone's drowning and having my eyes seek beseechingly for anyone to help. That works. Someone told me once that I have that look perfected to an art.

Aside from that training, that's the only thing fun about school. And seeing my friends pretty regularly. Now I know that I sound elementary. I dont wish to sound like a hyprocrite and gush how exciting it is to be learning. That's just for the billboards and advertisement.

I'm just tired. Days are routinary.

"Paige-gianism"

2006-08-01T11:06:00.000+01:00

Hi World! Its been a long time. How you doin?

The past couple of weeks have been filled with lots of things. Lots of changes. First and foremost, the advent of new religion in our house.

Its called"Paigegianism." The founder of which is 6.12pound-human being delivered to the world last July 20 by C-section from a hell-raising mother and thereby given the name Paige Francesca Garchitorrena.

Quite a mouthful but well, this is certainly shorten to the traditional foul smelling name of "ikay."

Now, this new religion has certain hypnotic effect to its new converts.
One of which, is the almost amazing ability to stare at this 6.12 pound human wonder for hours straight without getting tired and being almost ridiculously pleased in every grimace and facia l contortions that she makes.

To be alert to every mewling sound and to drop everything else if the human wonder has deemed fit touse the 32 facial muscles to smile.

To fight viciously for the right to hold her. And to generally be reduced to a state of gurgling,coo-coo ing, creatures that bear no resemblancewhatsoever to the rational thinking being that is called a "man."

But I'm a devout member of this new religion. Hence, my absence from blogging and general mundane talk.

Nevertheless, I'm back, the initial euphoria of being a full-pledged aunt is beginning to wear off, and I'm able to think coherently again.

SumOne PLEASE! invent teleportation...

2006-07-14T10:55:00.000+01:00

Status of heart:

Not Good.

LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS

ARE THE PITS.

Gluttony

2006-07-11T11:54:00.000+01:00

I couldn't sleep at all last night. I woke up feeling bothered by something vague. And I have just realized that something was food. I was hungry. Again. Good Lord, I have eaten so many burgers that Mcdonalds probably would give me a Loyalty Customer Award, but noooo, my mind refused to stop the beautiful images of food. Last Sunday, due to my characteristic laziness. I didn't eat the whole day, but night time came and I was ready to devour any edible thing in sight. I was forced to cook. And I made myself beautiful dinner. Daming Ulam. So I ate dinner thrice. In my mind, that was for breakfast, lunch and dinner that I have missed. 2 hours later, I was eating again. I wonder where all those food went.

And now. The first thing I thought about the minute my eyes opened (aside from a certain someone ;-) was food. And how much I can eat without having indigestion. The answer I found out was: a lot. I can eat a lot. A lot. A lot.

And guess what I'm doing now? I am munching. Earlier when we had a break. Karen and I went to Kuya Pongping's carenderia and ate there. She ate rice, (for such a little thing she can put away huge amount of food, its quite fascinating to watch her) and I ate rice. Then afterwards we decided we were still hungry, so we went to Big Mak and ate Pizza.We really didn't want to go back to work yet. The doctors are getting really cranky and take out their frustrations on us, so we ducked for cover.

Then we ate again when we went to the gate. As we were walking back to the hospital, we turned back and decided to eat again.

The Latest Nail in the Textile Industry

2006-07-08T09:53:00.000+01:00

The theme is WHY BOTHER
(LATEST SWIMSUITS FROM JAPAN)

The Penis and the Vagina Story

2006-07-06T09:21:00.000+01:00

Holla world, the perpetually late moi is back again. :) I slipped during my mad dash to the fourth floor earlier. Nothings broken except my bruised posterior which is in agony right now. But what the heck, no one saw. At least my pride is safe.

This is just one of those things brought on by my distaste for schedules.

While I was contemplating the worst consequence, my mind remembered Father Reyes from the Order of the Society of Jesus.

When I was a senior at Ateneo, one of my minor subjects was Philosophy four -Morality in Human Sexuality (I forgot the actual course description). I had accidentally enrolled in an Engineering block. We were only about 6 girls to 30 boys. It was a class predominantly male, and the class who handled it was old Father Reyes SJ.

He was 4'11 or flat five feet. He seemed larger then. He was old, about 68 or so. And he walks with a limp (from arthritis? I am not sure). But I was in awe of him because he comes to class 30 minutes early and our schedule was set for 7:30 in the morning til 9, and with that limp he can still nimbly climb up til the third floor of the Dolan building.

But what I remember most about Father Reyes was his stare. He wore huge rounded glasses with black frames. And he has coke bottle lenses. So thick that his eyes seems to potrude from the sockets. And when he looks at you, you seem to get the feeling that you are talking to a very, very intelligent frog. His stare is unnerving and combined with his hyena laugh, your skin tends to prickle with something certainly resembling the feeling of dread.

I had a problem waking up during the morning. In my senior year of college, I was still hung up over an ex, that I spent every night looking at the stars and dreaming stupid dreams. That inevitably, the next morning, I'd wake up bleary eyed and late for class.

It wouldn't have been a problem, but Father Reyes has a unique way of punishing those who dare comes to his class late. And I am one of the regular transgressors.

I had two options of eluding his punishments which seems to work 45 percent most of the time.
The first option is going through the back door. My friend Gladys who was assigned a seat in the back room would motion with her hand whenever Fr. Reyes would be writing something in the board (He writes real slow) and I would have time to breeze through the entire room sit in my chair (front row and center), rapidly open up my notebook and pretend to copy whatever it is that he's writing. All the while maintaining absolute silence lest the good ole priest suddenly turn around and catch me in my desperate flight.

That seemed to work for a while. But Father Reyes of course wisened up to my method. He closed the back door. The late-comersa like me, are now forced to use the front door wherein everyone will see. Argh. I didn't mind having stares. I was blind as a bat, and it didn't bother me in the least. But what bothered me was Fr. Reyes' punishment.

My option was to use the front door. While Fr. Reyes would be addressing the class (thus facing them), I will be using the platform to inch by inch edge towards my seat. It takes a lot of time, a lot of body and facial contortionisms. Sometimes I am successful, oftentimes I am not.

Which while edging towards my seat, Fr. Reyes will dryly comment, "So kind of you Ms. Olavere to grace us with your presence this morning as we venture forth in descovering God's gift of pleasure to human kind...please remain standing there. Mr. (insert name of assigned beadle for the day) Kindly get Ms. Olavere's things and put it in her desk."

I don't know anyone else who can blush on top of a blush. But I managed it. It's soo eerie and so diabolically clever way of embarassing me. All those people staring and smirking and gloating. Ugh.

So I stand there all alone two feet up above the rest of the class. and Fr. Reyes says, "Now, Ms. Olavere, could you kindly tell us the human appendages that God made in order for a man and a woman to have pleasure together?"

"uh..Pardon me father?" I was not sure whether I heard him right.

"The human appendages! The human reproductive tools! Come Ms. Olavere, it says here you are a biology major!"

My mother did not produce a stupid child. I looked at him in horror then looked at all those faces in front of me, smirking. "You mean out loud father!?"

He stopped and looked at me with his unblinking stare. I gulped and mumbled out softly. "The penis and the vagina father."

"I cant hear you Ms. Olavere, louder please."

"The penis and the vagina father".

"Do you mean to tell me that in everyday life, you call the penis and the vagina, the penis and the vagina?"

"No father." I was looking at my shoes when I mumbled out another reply. By this time, the whole class was hollering and yelling something fierce. That the front door was closed again.

"Then what do you call that in vernacular language?

"Boto saka buray." By this time the blush who was on top of a blush was joined by a third blush.

"Shout those words Ms. Olavere."

EEEkkkkkk! I was almost crying with embarassment.

"Ms. Olavere?"

At that point, I thought, to hell with you. I will not be subjected to this kind of treatment. So i let it ripppppppppp..."Botoooooooooo.....burrraaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy"

And the whole class erupted with laughter. I thought Father Reyes will surely be mad at me, so I peeked at his face. Strangely enough. He was smiling! I couldnt figure out why he was so pleased. He motioned me to get off the platform and resume my seat.

He asked a question: "Why do you use penis and the vagina as curse words?"

The class became quiet. My little exercise was just a jumping board to another lesson. But it sure was embarassing to become the guinea pig.

Father Reyes made an interesting point that day. He said that as a society we look at sex as something dirty; something to be done under the cover of the night. That it is evil, that masturbation particularly the female is something disgusting. And that good girls shouldnt do it. And therefore it shows in the attitude of most people. I was embarassed because I thought saying those words were bad. People disguised being uncomfortable by laughing or trying to look blaise or unruffled. (That was a dig for my male classmates). The little exercise was just his way of gauging how open minded we were about human sexuality.

Be rest assured that for the entire semester after that experience, I hadnt been late even once. Although there was this one episode with one of my classmates...but thats another story.

2006-06-28T11:36:00.000+01:00

Last night was last night of graveyard shift for the week. Halleluiah!! Thank you Lord. Amen and amen. It dragged on and on and on. If I could pull the hour literally to make it run faster I would have. I wasn't alone on feeling that way. My groupmates and I were contemplating investing on redbull and gatorade companies. At least, I don't have minor subjects to go to. Dada, Karen and Dal still have classes to go the next morning which gives them only like 4 hours of sleep.

Alex and Alvin are the newest addition to the group, but its not permanent though. Next rotation, they would be joining their old group, but having them sure was fun.

Alex is married, very much in love with his wife and proud of his three sons. Have a raunchy sense of humor. Extremely nice. And can give the greatest back massage in the entire world.

Alvin is well, Alvin. Hmm. I really don't know how to describe him. I think he's the sort of person you have to meet for yourself to actually understand. Alex says that Alvin doesn't talk much. (Understatement of the year). But well, being drowsy can make people talk. A lot. Alex says that Alvin already used up his sentence quota for the entire year.

Last night as we were all seated around the student lounge table. (The babies weren't crying and were all settled in, another three hours before the next feeding). We were eating indian mangoes, tortilla chips and drinking coke. Hell of a combination I know, but were used to it. Between mouthful of chips,

Karen asked Alex. "So what's your gift to your wife?" We all know it was his wife's birthday cause he brought alot of food.

"A bunch of flowers... and a tingling sensation."

We all burst out laughing. The previous night, we have been discussing his marital sex life and how he could still perform with only four hours of sleep. The conversation got more graphic and really uncomfortable (maybe) for Alex, but he bore it all with good grace.

The answer was prelude again to the ever favorite topic of my groupmates: sex or lack thereof. But it makes me wonder why their libido is still up and running when just down the hallway, we have passed the delivery room with Dr. Marinas trying to do a forceps delivery. And we can still hear the groans and moans of a laboring mother. I remembered the first time I saw a doctor perform episiotomy (lateral cut made on the vagina) I resolved never ever to get pregnant. Which means sex is out of the question (yeah right ;-P).

But still, everytime I go over to the DR, my libido really takes a nosedive to the depths of the earth. I remember the first time we went on duty at that area, we were all moving around with great respect for everything. But now, everytime there's a delivery going on, we just think of the mother as merely a number on statistic. It deadens the magical feeling everytime a baby comes out, but at least you can do your job properly.

Next week I really hope we'd get an early morning shift. Please Lord.

The Sequence of My Day

2006-06-27T12:25:00.000+01:00

The sequence of my day:

1. Came home.
2. Stripped.
3.Showered.
4. slept. Dreamt of a Frog. Wondered what it meant.
5. slept.
6.slept.
7.slept some more.
8. Got distracted by thoughts of Oishi cheese ridges and ripe mangoes.
9. Battled with the images.
10. Oishi ridges won.
11. Woke up for 10 minutes and ate Oishi ridges.
12. slept again.
13. slept some more.
14. slept some more.
15. Remembered Yugi-oh Duel Monsters, where the pharoah and Yugi will fight the final battle.
16. Dragged myself off to bed.
17. Watched Yugi-oh.
18. Went back to sleep.
19. slept.
20. Sister came home. I remembered need to finish some more papers to be passed later in the evening.
21. Went downtown in my pambahay clothes. Hair still uncombed.
22. Typed out an NCP plan furiously.
23. Didnt save it.
24. Electricity out.
25. Damn.

2006-06-24T02:41:00.000+01:00

I feel like a prisoner. I dreamt of doing so many things; had let go of so many opportunities because I feel and still feel that I owe you something.

My thoughts are ruled by you and I feel that your own personal convictions and beliefs that I have adopted for my own won't let me become the person whom I want to be, and because of this I can never be really happy.

I feel that my life is owned by you and how you would feel. My every action is ruled by your standards, of your desires. Your wants should be my wants. My needs are determined by you.

You shape me. You still mould me to the ideals of who you want me to be. Until I feel the real me shrinking, losing tone and muscle -becoming atrophied from lack of expression.

And I feel that I can never be free -would never have the strength to be who I am because as this goes on longer -everyday, I weaken.

I will not have the power to break free of all your restrictions to my psyche-my soul.

And the worst thing about this -

I understand with complete acceptance, you do all this because of love.

My Eating Habbits of Late

2006-06-23T16:26:00.000+01:00

I am hungry again. The silence in this house is defeaning, I can actually hear my own stomach growling in protest that its insistent demand is not being met.

I ate a lot today though. Too much carbohydrates. Pancit bihon. Yung putong may cheese. The big ones, two of those. Noelle's spaghetti and baked mac combo. Pancit bihon uli ni dada. After class, I went to Mcdonald's with dada.

Forgive me if I sound like a glutinous bi-atch.

But first and foremost. I only eat outside. Does not matter if its 3 meters away or 5 meters away or in a restaurant or in the school cafeteria, just as long as its out.
Primarily because first. Mama cooks breakfast at 10 am, Lunch at 2 and foregoes dinner altogether because they are on a diet. So I guess I must be on diet too. This means that I lazy creature that I am who stays up late, wakes up late misses breakfast, crams to get ready for school during the afternoon. Doesnt have time to eat anymore. So. Cafeteria food is the main menu for the day. Actually the only option in the menu.

Secondly, I don't like the thought of eating pork/meat so near the pigs. Really, how would you feel if you see someone you trust suddenly eating your sisters and brothers? Have a little bit of compassion. The only guilt free food in the house is fruits. And i eat lots of those. But I don't eat leaves or what you normal people would call vegetables.

So what option is left to me?

Seafood of course. And fruits.

I'm Alive. Barely.

2006-06-23T10:23:00.000+01:00

Hello world. Glad to talk to you again. I've had a busy week.

This past few days were spent on NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). Or more accurately, the past few nights. Graveyard shift again. And I've just learned that the fourth year level are looking forward to an entire year of doing graveyard shifts. That is not good. ;-(

I've been handling extremely fragile infants on ungodly hours. I don't like it. Really I don't. But I love the little babies. Sometimes I wonder why the babies have their distinct preferences developed already. One baby which we call Jollibee (Cause he looks like Jollibee) likes sleeping with his right cheek being stroked. If you stroke any other part of his body, he will cry like a banshee, and if you stop stroking his cheek, he'll cry. The student nurse assigned to him stands up all night making use of her fingers.

My baby is a bit different. He's very used to the sound of the airconditioning. The humming sound. But in BMC, since its a charity hospital, the airconditioning is turned off between the hours of 6pm-9am. So there's no humming sound. I have to make mmmmmm noises so that the baby will settle down and go to sleep. My voice actually is becoming hoarse.

But I love cuddling them. Especially those that were just delivered. I love a baby's weight on my arms. Sometimes, those macrocephalic babies are even beautiful especially if you stare at them long enough. No baby is ugly. But that isn't a universal law. But sometimes it feels that way alot.

I've had a slight argument with the staff nurse. She said that a baby isnt tachypneic if the respiratory rate falls between 40 cycles per minute to 60. I said, my patient is because according to PDQ, a premature infant should have a respiratory rate less than 40. She called me stupid. That hurt a bit. A lot. But well, come to think of it, if I would be working on a hospital I should follow their policies. So that was a lesson that was imparted. But I still didn't like being called stupid.

Well, I've been successful in finding a job. or jobs. But I've realized that I will have no way of doing them properly so I let go of the others. Too bad, it could have given me extra cash. But I'm back to tutoring again. My mom said the other day that she would like me to tutor Ingkit. But I declined. I like tutoring kids that want to learn. Ingkit is okay, but she just lacks concentration. I don't want to spend my entire day trying to get her to be interested. Its difficult to teach relatives. You can't scold her; or the child can't see you beyond the "fun" cousin.

Gotta study. I'm way behind my readings. Sometimes when the teacher speaks, I feel like she's talking in swahili. Got. To. Concentrate. But its difficult when there's so much fun to be had. :-)

Astig!

2006-06-18T08:52:00.000+01:00

Demonyo..astig 'to ah! hehehhehehehehe

Vide0 picks of the day:
1. muppet matrix (Giving Keanu Reeves a run for his money...)
2. Butchered Lyrics (Di ko kilala yung artista dito..but paksheettt..nakakahiya!):))
3. two chinese boys (I love the small guy..he's just sooooo funnny) LIfe is short, make fools of yourselves while you can..
4.hercules kid (i am not messing with this kid..)

Enjoy!:)

A Vacation Day

2006-06-18T06:32:00.000+01:00

A melody is humming in my head. And I wrote the words to it --but I wasn't satisfied. Sometimes, when I am in deep thought, there will come a strange weird rhythm in my mind and eventually a simple melody comes through. But I am not satisfied with what I've written. I have to improve on it though.

I am currently on my sister's office. The set up is this: The whole third floor is the place where they have their computers and stuff. The place of work. The second floor is where they live. Ideal for easy watching and easy monitoring of the place. There are lots of burglars in this area so they can't be too careful.

I like it here though. I have access to broadband connection unlike at home where I have to use the dial up and people yell at me all the time to get off the phone! When I am using the phone line, I actually feel a vague unease --sorta like I shouldnt be doing what I am doing. Guilt. Yep, that should have been the word I used.

So I like it here. Plenty of food particulary the junk that I love so much. Plenty of chocolates in the office store (I don't pay). I own the remote hence the television. And my own personal slave -my cousin Rowel. I think I've already mentioned Rowel in my past posts. He repeated an entire year of school because of "truancy" which he terms fondly as "his little vacation." He is enormously talented, highly intelligent and can argue his way in anything. Personally, even though he's the black sheep in the family, I like him.

Last night, we were alone in his room, and I threw him on the floor so I could have the bed all to myself. He didn't complain.

He said. "Ate, There's lots of ants here."

"uh-uh," I answered sleepily.

"Really big ones.."
"Yeppppp..."

"They are biting me."

"Go bite them back."

"You have no ounce of compassion in your soul."

"Come here," I said. I picked up a bottle of Dragon the backache killer, I will let you sleep here beside me if you give my back a massage.

"Okay." Then he proceeded to pound my back with the utmost enthusiasm. I felt my bones separate and my muscles shrink in fright.

"Not that way," I pushed him back to the bed and demonstrated the proper way. Note: having a nurse for a wife or a girlfriend will be bliss for some guys. ;-)

I've just realized later that my fiendish cousin had manipulated me in some way. Not only does he have the use of the bed but he also had me giving him a massage. The little con man!

But still I threw him back to the floor so I could have some sleep.

This morning, I woke up at around 11 am. I was ravenously hungry. I saw Rowel staring at me. Reporting, that he too was extremely hungry. Being the very lazy cook that I am.
I offered. "I'll give your legs a massage if you cook breakfast."

That settled it. He cooked.

I went back to sleep and awoke a few minutes later to the smell of delicious breakfast. Guys really should be assigned kitchen duties. ;-)

Walking Around

2006-06-16T11:44:00.000+01:00

I am bored.

I've become used to so much activity that fills every single hour of my life. Now that I have few moments to think --i find that I am bored with myself. And that is not good. In my college personality tests, I have been categorized as having an introvert personality. My friends thought that was a good joke. They even implied that I have deliberately answered the test questions in such a way that it would reflect that I am an introvert. Goodness. I hadnt done that at all. I simply answered in the most honest and sincere way I can. Because, I was also curious to see really what category I am in.

I am an introvert. And by rights, I should be able to entertain myself pretty well. I do. I draw (dismally). I read (a lot). I write poetry (bad ones). I daydream and sleep (which takes up so much time that its against nature itself).

But I've been doing all those things and they are now getting a bit tiring. Or maybe its getting tiring doing things alone. Or maybe I am not bored. Maybe I am just . . . lonely.

Maybe thats it.

Earlier. I was a bit depressed about school, life, general stuff. That I thought I should just get out of the house and breathe. See some sights. Entertain myself a bit. Which I did. I went for a long walk downtown. Just seeing stuff. Not absorbing anything. Just letting my mind go freely as I could let it to be. See where my feet would take me subconsciously.

What do you know. It was drawn to Plaza Quince Martirez. They were holding a rally there and I was really surprised about the number of youth that attended. I thought Nagueños were all apathetic. Or maybe they are not from Naga. I know most people aren't affected at all by political issues. Sometimes I just don't care too. Same old issues, same old problems. To be rehashed again and again. But this was a nice turn out. I stood there and watched several of the youth speak. They are pretty eloquent verbally. Talented youths. But their accents gave them away. They couldnt possibly be from Naga. Militant youth probably from somewhere else.

I walked away.

I had enough.

I felt my chest was about to burst.

Or maybe I'll just pick up a little bag and go up the mountains and become a rebel too. I was thinking as I moved away from the place that my dad would understand. My dad was a former one before the Martial law. That was why he hadn't been able to finish college. Two weeks before college graduation. President Marcos began the crack down on student leaders. My dad was a leader in the region and the rebel groups had to spirit him away in the mountains of Guinobatan. Come to think about it, my dad really lived an interesting life. When we were younger, he taught us exremely well about right and wrong. He didnt lecture. He just took out his belt and whipped our butts off. I learned the power of Vicks and cushion before then. Because --I was a very, very naughty child. But he taught us well. The inherent sense of justice and fairness that my sister and I both have comes from him.

I went to Parklane. And there again, the feeling of loneliness was compounded when I saw Matet. Geez. Why is it that all my friends have their boyfriends everytime I see them? There should be a law that boyfriends are not allowed within the vicinity of a depressed girlfriend. I hate that.

But what can I do anyway. note** (He is so far awayyyyyyyyy.....) ;-)

All that I am looking forward to this day are these:
1. Dinner
2. Midnight Snack.
3. Nestle Icecream
4. Bituing Walang Ningning
5.Sa Piling Mo
6. My Girl
7. My Wonderful Life
8. Snack again

Which could be summarized into: Pinoy soaps and food.
And how pathetic is that.

The Rest of June 14

2006-06-14T11:47:00.000+01:00

The house is full of electric wires. I am not kidding. I got home and almost tripped over a long wire spanning the entire living room.

There was no one home and I yelled, "Mamaaaaaaaaaaaa?????????"

There was no answer and I heard some noises at the back door and there she was, another electric wire planning to plug it in another socket.

"Whats that for?"

"This is for Virgie's house."

"Why?"

"Their electricity has been cut off?"

"And what about the other wires?"

"That's for the neighborhood association."

Geez. Sometimes I don't get her at all. Once she almost took my head off for leaving the fan running when I went down to take a shower.

I went to school to see what I can to do to get in with the minimum fuss possible. Knowing that some of my friends are still not enrolled, I went there optimistically. Glad I did. Now, I just have to wait a little bit more. Good things always happen after all. I've managed to con Sir Pimentel into giving me some needed papers outside office hours.

I saw Matet. I've texted her earlier to ask what she thought of the couple of photos I took, and she hadn't seen them yet. She's worried though about her delayed period. Ahh, sometimes its such a bliss not to worry about things like that. When I was going to school, I saw her unexpectedly. Its fun seeing people unexpectedly. Made me think about surprises. The gifts I like best are those that I don't expect. Those that just turn up. However small or silly they are, as long as they are unexpected. I think most people feel the same way as I do. Or maybe it doesn't matter as long as there's a gift. ;-)

I don't like seeing so many people. The past couple of weeks I've been used to seeing so few number of people because I've been in the twilight zone but hey! When I went roaming around centro, I felt a bit dizzy seeing so many people. Where did they all come from? The streets are congested with vehicles, accidents, and prebuscent teens doing what they shouldn't do at the moment that they are doing it. I almost choked on my mango shake when I saw some really young kids with their even younger girlfriends smoking while loudly talking about the 'drinking' party they'd be having later.

Anyway, I went to the shops to escape the noise, and I went to one of my favorite places to hang out aside from the bookshop and coffee shop –the pet shop or more particularly the Aquarium Section. Where they sell fish. All my life I've wanted an aquarium preferably a big one. I really do. I don't even mind cleaning the tank and feeding the fish as long as I can have one. There's just something about it that relaxes me. Maybe in my past life I have been a flat-chested mermaid with funny hair.

One of my ex bought me one for a birthday but on the way over to the house, the glass broke. So did my heart. Now I'm saving up for another one, but seeing it's a bit impossible at the moment. I'm settling for a poster of the Amazon River.

Good Morning World!

2006-06-13T23:23:00.000+01:00

This morning, I just want to say:

Good Morning Dogs. For your ability to howl and bark which no other dogs in other neighborhood cant copy and will not desire to emulate.

Good Morning Cats. For peeing and pooing in the damnest places.

Good Morning Pigs, Ducks and the various animals loitering around our house.

Good Morning Panadero. Good Morning Tsa Hilda. Good Morning Tricycle Drivers who have a conspiracy among themselves to make San Miguel St. the noisiest street in the entire world.

Good Morning Mama for repeatedly shouting at my door whether I want to eat breakfast or not. (You cant seem to understand that i have been up the whole night and food is the last thing on my mind).

Good Morning Daddy for your very loud voice which shakes the rafters of the roof.

GOOD MORNING WORLD!!!!

even though theres a volcanic eruption currently threatening our region, its still

Good Morning World!

I have just came from the graveyard shift at the delivery room and I'm still wildly awake. I have done everything humanly possible to sleep. Counted sheep, ducks, animal sounds, did jumping jacks to tire myself out, drank enough milk to turn my skin white, stared at the ceiling, loosened my already very loose clothes, change positions on the bed. Twisted myself, bent my knees at very odd angles, angled the pillows, pounded the pillows just right --all to no avail.

I just couldnt sleep.

So here I am making a short post.

Earlier, while walking home and passing through the supermarket. I noticed the drug addict who chased me a couple of months ago while holding his bottle of rugby to give me my books. He was clearly not drugged. But he looked at me and he seemed unable to place my face. But i think that he knows i knew i look familiar to him. So he gave me a tentative grin and smile.

What do I know? I could not possibly say "hi, you gave me my books back while you were high. But you scared the living daylights out of me because i thought you were going to drag me off on some dark corner, rape me and throw the different parts of my body to some sick place."

I think he wouldnt have appreciated that.

So i just smiled and walked on.

A few seconds later. He had the audicity to run after me! "Miss, wait!"

"yes?" coolly, as i could muster.

"WOuld you like to buy puto?"

"NO, thank you." I walked on.

He followed!

"eh..yung pancit?"

"no."

"eh yung suman?"

"no."

Then he stopped and shouted: "eh...ako?"

I was mortified. Everyone else looked and they started laughing. I run as fast as I could to the opposite side of the street and frantically urged the driver to hurry.

I resolved. I am never going to pass that way again.

GOOD Morning World.

I am off to bed.

A wish

2006-06-12T14:23:00.000+01:00

WHAT WOULD I GIVE

TO BE IN VENICE RIGHT NOW...

Mama's Strays

2006-06-12T14:03:00.000+01:00

Mama's helper in the roasted chicken store is Tonio, short for Antonio. He is 19 years old who hails from the mountains and valleys of Magarao. The eldest among his siblings, his parents took him out of school at the age of 10 to work.

He sees nothing wrong with this, and it shows on his attitude. He's a bit irreverent, cheeky and with a good sense of the ridiculous.

He's not ideal for the job though, because of the fact that he cannot read nor write well and has difficulty computing basic arithmetic. He always come home with a "short." He gives customers far too much change.

But he's just one of mama's boys.

Another one is "ponget." He works at the back. Cleaning pig stalls and such. I don't know exactly the details of his life. Because everytime we do talk, I cannot understand a lick of what he says. "Ponget" in literal translation means "torn" crediting to the fact that Ponget or otherwise known as junior was born with a cleft lip and a cleft palate.

When he was a baby, he was eligible for Operation Smile. This is a medical mission by American doctors treating those babies born with oral deformities. His mother (God bless her ignorant little soul) only wanted them to operate on his cleft lip so her little boy would not look monstrous, and operation on the cleft palate would be too much for her baby. So that's why his cleft palate wasn't operated on.

And that is why Ponget grew up silent and mute. He can speak but he does not want to.

My mother adopts so many of this kind of strays. Once she dragged home an able-bodied beggar and set her to work digging up grass and weeds. My mom believes in helping people who want to help themselves. And she goes to such lengths in giving people the skills to enable to have a living.

Right now, she's teaching Tonio on how to read and write and how to compute. She placed Ponget alongside with Tonio so Ponget will be able to improve his "social skills." Nevermind the fact that Tonio cannot give the right amount of change to save his life nor can Ponget act as a barker in selling chicken. She wants them to work and somehow, miraculously, the two are able to sell a good number of chicken.

God really smiles down on those with blessed hearts.

Ay caramba!

2006-06-10T11:56:00.000+01:00

My mom wants me to include surnames from the ancestors because a kid from her side of the family made it to a big singing contest in the ABS-CBN’s show Little Big Star. Little Big Star is a singing contest aired every Saturday afternoon on ABS-CBN. The show features young singing diva aspirants and will battle it out for the title "Little Big Star". They actually have a blog. See it here

The 2nd honor in the big division was Charlene Camaing, a daughter of her first cousin. She's so proud that she said she wants me to include Camaing in my name so it would be like Maria Kristina Napa Camaing Yago Olavere. See? Torture.

Some Pix From the Trip

2006-06-10T07:03:00.000+01:00

I'm in there lost beneath all that hair. I'm in there somewhere..trust me..

The bus with tintin. I've spent hours fixing her hair. doesnt she look good?

This is the view of the 7,000peso a day room in Cardinal Santos. Thats the view of the wak-wak golf course.

In the hotel room after murdering my feet. Cant even take a shower cause my body felt too damn tired.

The bus going to Lung Center of the Philippines.

A Little Mushroom Cloud

2006-06-10T06:53:00.000+01:00

Mom said I should stop school for a year or so. That was what I’ve been telling her the past year. Since I know she’s crawling with the burden of sending me through college the second time around.

I thought things will be easier now because one of my aunts already said that she will be the one to shoulder my expenses my last year. But what do you know? The capriciousness of faith struck again. Life’s little mushroom clouds suddenly erupted in all its glorious beauty. Needless to say, what’s left is little old me in sub-zero temperature.

In short, I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I don’t like being uncertain. Looking at it the positive way, anything can happen in a year. Maybe I’d be given the opportunities that I had let go before because of school and time constraints. Or maybe I’m just grasping for straws.

To be honest, I feel shitty. I have been playing light about this because it would be too boring if I repeat it again and again. But I do want to vent. Maybe if I do it will get rid of my drowning/suffocating dreams.

I had one again last night.

I didn’t like it. But one good thing about the dream though, I always wake up and without fail (obviously I’m still alive) each time I thought I’d die. In my dream, when I feel the last breath give way, some part of me always give out a heroic effort to kick and push myself up so I can break through the surface –where I can breathe. Its like someone keeps yelling at me –do it or die! What choice do I have anyway?

Dreams always tell you something though. They are what they are.

God.

Lord, my plans have come to nothing.
Please help me to remember that your love for me is always greater than my disappointments;
And that your plans for my life are always better than my dreams.